gerber-licious

Ok, confession. I've been reading the book "Animal, Vegetable, Miracle" ... for like two years. I'm terrible at finishing books. I bought this one at an airport somewhere, read a few chapters and then lost it for a while, and I just kept forgetting to take it on subsequent car trips. And, seriously, I love my Time magazine and a billion internet articles and blogs, but I'm just not much of a bookie these days.

But I digress. So, in this book, this family decides to eat as locally as possible for a year. Every time I read some of it, I get all jazzed about the prospect, even though I know I'll never really do it or stick with it for long. But I did parlay my momentary enthusiasm into a baby-food-making extravaganza today. It's something I've been meaning to try - it just seems like it would be so easy. And WAY more economical. I mean, Ainsley's already eating almost a whole thing of baby food in the morning and at night, and if you figure at least a dollar a container, seven days a week, it starts to add up. But more than that, I just get kind of grossed out when I think of any mass food production - big 'ol vats of pesticidey food in big factories with rats and their poop and someone's finger getting cut off and falling in, gaahh (I guess I've never fully recovered from The Jungle??). I mean, I'll eat all that crap, but we want better for our kids, right?

So. Baby food making. It was a lot of work, but the results weren't entirely disappointing. I found local squash, apples and carrots at one of the greenhouses in town, and then it was just a whole lot of chopping and boiling and food processing and straining. Mike was gone all afternoon, so it was intermixed with baby wrangling (who, BY THE WAY, is now the rolling-over EXPERT of the civilized world! I witnessed it officially for the first time last night, but the frequency and ease with which she has been executing both tummy to back and the more advanced back to tummy moves today makes me believe the daycare ladies were keeping this a secret for a while).

I steamed the vegetables and stewed the fruit, adding some big-box nectarines and avocadoes to the mix. After a batch was cooked and strained, I used ice cube trays to freeze individual tablespoons of baby food, so that should be handy. The final verdict (with my little taste-tester's help):

Applesauce: awesome. Just like real applesauce. The food processor pureed it really finely and Ainsley gobbled it up.

Carrots: eh. Final product was still kind of chunky ... or grainy rather. I mean, it went through the strainer but it's just hard to get that "first foods" almost liquid texture of baby food. Ainsley ate it for supper, but I think she thought blowing the little chunks out was really fun because carrots were everywhere at the end.

She didn't try these, but as far as cooking:

Squash: Fine, kind of watery. I'm pretty sure I was supposed to get acorn squash instead of summer squash, but I figured it wouldn't hurt anything. It pureed as well as the apples and tastes like, well, squash.

Nectarines: This looked and smelled really good. Must be all the pesticides and genetic engineering. Hehe.

Avocado: Hmm. I didn't cook this one or anything, just pureed and froze it. But it kind of turned brown, like guacamole does if you don't add lime or lemon juice. Next time maybe I'll try that, if Ainsley's had citrus by then.

I'm glad I tried this. It was kind of a rainy day, so it was fun to just chill with the baby and pretend to be a hippie earth mama, because I don't feel like I have the time to be, normally. It was an awful lot of work for three ice cube trays of baby food (what would that be? Like a dozen cubes each? So 6 meals per tray probably, three trays, nine days of baby food). I think next time it will go faster, though, and I could do more of the things she ends up liking. Definitely the applesauce.

hannah banana

After a long wait, our little Hannah Banana Fofanna is here! She is the second daughter of Mike's sister Tara and her husband Rickey (aka our niece and Ainsley's cousin). After you have one kid, it's very hard to comprehend that a completely different mix of the two of you will come out the second time around, so we were all waiting with bated breath. The verdict? Her dad said it best, she looks exactly like her sister and completely different. In a weird way, it's true. I can't wait to go visit in a couple of weeks - look at those cheeks! They need to be experienced in person. There is also a stunning shock of hair under that hat - hair you could probably BRAID, it's so long. Hannah's sister Ava was (and is) such a tiny beautiful little angel baby, it's kind of cool to see that Ainsley has a Colorado doppelganger. They were almost exactly the same size at birth (um, giant), and both kind of have that intense frosty look down pat. Until Ainsley started smiling, she'd always look at us like, CAREFUL mom and dad, or I will EFF you up! Just a very intense, furrowed-brow kind of thing - even when they aren't angry or sad, just thinking hard (it's actually from Mike's mom's side of the family - called the Hofland Scowl or Tovaas Smile, depending on who you ask).

It's weird - after you have a new baby, all other new babies give you such a different feeling. Before mommyhood, new babies were obviously anticipated and exciting, but also very curious, like an exhibit in a museum. After mommyhood, new babies make you feel more like you just want to steal them for the day and snuggle, snuggle, snuggle. Yes, Ains is still a baby, but already when I try to cradle her like a newborn she squirms and kicks and stares at me like "HEY LADY! There are THINGS around to LOOK AT and POTENTIALLY STICK IN MY MOUTH! SIT ME UP NOW!!" They grow up so fast. The whole labor thing is different, too. Knowing what that's like. It's so exhausting and horrible and beautiful and way more special than you could ever know before you actually get to experience it.

So ... welcome to the world, Hannah Rae.

barf-ola

The barfing flu of doom descended on the house yesterday, so as I got to spend all day writhing in pain near the toilet while Mike did the parenting, tonight it is my turn. Yay! It's really awful, actually. I woke up yesterday thinking it was some kind of lightweight karmic retribution for having three beers Saturday night, but when I was still barfing at 5:00, I started to suspect something was up. I ceased barfing at about 9:00 last night, and actually made it to work today, but I'm still not quite right. And now Mike is in the full throes. Man, I hope the wee one doesn't get this mess (although I suspect it is all a bi-product of daycare - they ladies there say this nastiness has been going around). We aren't quite used to the germ exposure at casa gussiaas - I guess that's part of parenthood.

Speaking of, I've been biding my time tonight (after baby went to bed) waiting for the first post-hiatus episode of Jon & Kate plus 8. I watched SOOOO many episodes of that show on maternity leave - I couldn't help but stay tuned for the trainwreck break-up. I always saw hints of douche in Jon - I feel a little bit vindicated that he's been such a public sleazebag the last couple of weeks (22-year-old girlfriend ... DISGUSTING earring, etc.). Plus, it's always easy to rail on the wife for being bossy or pushy or whatever, but I feel like she was just getting it done. And she found a way to set their kids up for life and still get to spend loads of time with them working from home (after spending YEARS worrying about money), and she was crucified as exploitive and opportunistic. I can't say I wouldn't do the same thing. Ok, I should do a little work for the next half an hour - work has been absolutely insane lately. Good night.

torrential

I must start posting, I must start posting. I really hate these gaps in getting something on this blog. I used to do that when I kept journals, and then every few months there would be a post summarizing the elapsed time. Which just kind of sucks. Especially now that I'm trying to chronicle a baby, who is literally growing and changing EVERY day.

The problem is time (isn't that always the problem?). Before, time felt like it was going fast, like a swift river. Like, if you had the right boat, you could catch it and ride it (not that I did that very effectively). But now it's a 200-foot waterfall and I'm sort of just tumbling around in the rocks. The weekdays, especially, run together in a kind of (controlled?) chaotic blur. It's kind of good for me, not being able to worry and obsess about things. But it's mostly bad because I feel like I'm missing everything and not doing anything except working and dishes and baths and blechchch. Like all the stuff I have to be doing, and none of the stuff I'd like to be doing. Especially with Ainsley. I kind of had a vision of our family doing fun things together - taking trips, making things, learning things, having adventures, living rich lives. I know she's still a little young, but at this rate I feel like we'll never be able to do those things. And that makes me feel like I've failed already. Is this how everyone feels? I'm not sure - Mike and I both come from families of teachers. Trust me, it's not that I don't think teachers work hard - they do. But at least there were summers. Even though my parents always did other work in the summer, I still remember running around fairs and art festivals while my parents worked in the Corn Crib, our family cotton-candy-snowcones-popcorn concession stand that we towed around Black Hills all summer. I remember helping my mom plant a garden every year. I don't know if I'll ever be able to teach that to Ainsley, because who has time to plant a freakin' garden? It breaks my heart.

I don't know what the answer is. I think I've learned that I don't want to be at home full time, not that we could afford it anyway. I mean, a 5-hour-a-day job would be ideal, but we all know that doesn't really exist. So I don't want to not work, but I just want MORE TIME. Maybe that's the existential dilemma. Maybe years of grasping at time is what makes all of our parents crazier and crazier as they age. And maybe, inevitably, that is the direction we will go in as well, no matter how hard we fight.

enfermo

My work computer is SICK. It just started spazzing out yesterday, so I think I have a trojan horse or some other bad virus, but my virus scan didn't find anything, nor did the two other malware scanning programs I downloaded from microsoft. Luckily I backed up a bunch of files on a flash drive before everything went south, so I have most of what I need in case my hard drive needs to be wiped or something drastic like that. This happened at my old job, and that is indeed what had to happen to fix it. I guess that is the internets for you - everytime I think I have her broken, she bites.

Anyway, the irony of all this is that despite it being the weekend, I'm presenting on a webinar next week to the small business admin and REALLY need to work on the powerpoint, because they don't generally let me out in front of people and I would like to do a good job. We finally got a new computer desk yesterday, so Mike is dilligently working to get that put together so I can work on our home computer this afternoon without sitting on the floor. It'll be fine, I'm sure, it's just been a relentless string of crazy little things around here for the last couple of weeks that sort of feel like a big crazy thing when you add them all up. Also, I'm a little annoyed because it would be great to actually have the weekend to hang out and enjoy our new house instead of running endless virus scans and putting together furniture and generally taking care of stuff. A girl can dream. On top of it, Ainsley has been waking up in the night for the last couple of days which is a little weird. I think she's just getting hungry and it's probably time to start her on cereal. She's just a week shy of four months and the doctor said starting solids at four to six months is fine, so maybe that'll be the project for this week.

grumpsickle mcgee

Finally, FINALLY the baby is asleep. I guess it was ill-advised to keep her up until 11:00 last night skyping with Mike's mom and my sister, no matter how awake she seemed to be. We got her from daycare after work and her sheet said she slept for ONE HOUR AND 15 MINUTES today. That's it, after she went to bed at 11:00 and got up at 5:30 this morning. That's the ironic thing about tired babies - when they're extra-super tired, they do everything in their power to NOT sleep. Anyway, one hour and 15 minutes of naps does not a happy baby make. So all night she's been over-tired and bawling and cranky, which was so weird because now that she's out of the new baby phase she's been all smiles and giggles and fun every night. I couldn't even remember what to do. It's like when you're used to them sleeping through the night and they happen to wake up at 1:30, like Ainsley did the other night, you feel like you're going to DIE despite the fact that you were getting up a zillion times a night for months.

Anyway, I finally put Ainsley in our bed and laid with her for a few minutes and she went right out. I hope she doesn't make the connection that incessant crying equals mom and dad's bed. I'm weak-willed, I will cave in a second. When she was still in the bassinett, we never let her sleep with us overnight because I think it would have been hard to sleep well, but in the morning after she ate at 5 or 6 or whenever I'd always lay her down between us and snooze with her for the last hour or two before getting up. It was, and still is, one of my favorite things, just lying there smelling baby head and watching her sleep. I have a feeling that never gets old, even when she's 3 or 6 or 12 ... or in college. I'm not afraid.

wall

The wall has officially been hit. I think the 10-year reunion and 4th of July festivities this weekend pushed me (us) over the edge to exhaustion. Then Mike got some kind of pukey flu Sunday night and all day Monday, and I've been popping airborne like candy for a sore throat, so I think we're all just done. Except the bambino, of course, she is getting more and more energy and staying awake for longer and longer. Which is actually a ball, despite the tiredness in our bones. She's SOOO alert and has been rocking these crazy flypaper hands on tentacle arms that grab EVERYTHING in site and deposit it in her mouth. It's hilarious, except I took a bubble bath with her last night (first time in the jet tub = awesome), and she was scooping all the bubbles into her mouth. She is an amazing little peanut these days, actually. In some ways, it's getting harder to leave her at daycare every day because she's so much fun.

The new house continues to be fabulous. We had our first thunderstorm last night, which is quite an experience up on this hill with these big windows. I was kind of freaked out, because I am a chicken, but I had Mike and Ainsley to keep me safe. Mike is an east river boy, so weather doesn't scare him ... and Ains slept right through it, even without a curtain on her window yet (getting there).

I'd love to post it in one of my loverly drawings, but our walmart computer desk disentegrated in the move and the thought of going all the way downstair to sit and photoshop on the floor isn't very appealing. I think I'd rather go to bed.

moved - ish

Not sure how many more things we could have fit into the last two weeks. Packing, moving, whole family trip to Sioux Falls, crazy work, blechhch. Hence, no time for blogging. Didn't have internet at home, anyway.

But things are shaping up. The new house is kind of a mess and we still have some painting in the basement to do, but I am really LOVING living here so far. We were sad when we went to pick up the cat (the last thing) from our old house, but that faded fast. It's just such a nice feeling to have enough space and storage. We are situated up on a hill, and at night I can see the lights of the rest of the development below from bed, which is a really cozy feeling. We have so many big windows that we just open everything up after work and it cools off fast. We've only turned our A/C on once, actually.

It's just such a good feeling to be in a home we can actually be in for a while. I didn't realize how aware I was of being quiet for the renters, of how much anxiety I had from being crammed into that small space. This is already so much better. That house was great for us as a starter home. It was a special set-up that actually helped us be able to buy a house, the equity from which helped us be able to afford this house. It was a good fit then, and now this is a better fit. That was a couple's home, this is a home fit for a family. I feel blessed.

On the baby-front, Ainsley slept in her crib for the first time last night! I know it was time when I woke up yesterday morning and her leg was kicked up over the edge of the co-sleeper. Bassinets are not for giant monster babies!

Ok, off to procrastinate unpacking. Peace.

pressure drop

I feel a little overwhelmed thinking of the next week. We moved our closing date up to Friday, which means we have now until then to pack. Not a huge deal, except we're going to Sioux Falls Tuesday to Thursday for my company picnic. Luckily (kind of) my parents can't help us move until Sunday, so Saturday we can paint and Mike can run back and forth bringing small stuff, which is the most annoying part anyway. I can at least get the kitchen and bathroom stuff unpacked and put away. Anyway, rambling, rambling.

The good thing I'm realizing about all this craziness is that I'm actually a lot less worried about it then I would have been before baby, because I really haven't had time. Before, it would have been weeks of obsessing about it and planning and making lists. Now we have no choice but just it done. It's actually a relief to have a reason to get out of my head a little.

Ok, back to work. Arghghgh.

nebulize this, diet detective!

I bought a huge jar of peanuts, a 32-ounce Fat Tire and an US Weekly at Safeway tonight. Only walking out did it occur to me that the checkout girl must have thought I was heading home for one hell of a Wednesday night. (Really the peanuts were for Asian chicken salad, the beer is the only size they sell and the magazine, well, ok, that one was mine).

So, we have another first under our belts. First cold. First-time mamma that I am, the baby has been to the doctor twice this week - once for the initial diagnosis of "cough" and again today for "ear wax build-up" (I swear, she was playing with her ear - I thought she had an ear infection!!) It truly is a pretty hearty cough, and the doctor sent us out to buy a nebulizer, which seems to help. That and some full contact action with the booger sucker. We've kind of cobbled together the week with Grandma and working from home to avoid having to put the thrice-daily nebulizing duties on the daycare peeps, so that's been kind of nice. She actually slept A LOT today while I was home, so I was able to finish up a few projects. Unfortunately, I also had this show called I Want to Save Your Life on as background noise, which made me feel awesome. It's kind of like Nanny 911, except the diet detective goes and find a person who wants to lose weight, goes through their cupboards and fridge and throws out all the crappy food they have, takes them grocery shopping for healthy stuff, makes them work out a bunch, etc. He suggests 90 minutes of aerobic exercise a day, 6 or more days a week. (Really Diet Detective Charles? 90 minutes??) I actually made it to the gym this morning, at 5:15 no less, and put in a fabulous 25 minutes. I don't know how I would do an hour six days a week, let alone 90 minutes. Ughgh.

nostalgia

This is one of last Saturday nights in our current house (yes, new house is official!!). It's a little bit sad - we've spent countless Saturday nights grilling on our deck, drinking wine and talking, Cooper eating endless apples under the apple tree next to the deck. Mike is a little more sad than I am (I haven't had time to get sad yet) but I think when we actually get everything moved out and we're not settled at the new house yet, I'll be totally bummed. I'm such a creature of habit and love to have my space settled. Every time we've moved, I always have everything put away within a day or two. I can't relax until I do. So it'll be fine after that, but the interim is going to be weird. It's our first house, you know? We lived in this house when we got married, got our first dog, had Ainsley. I know we need more space, and it will be great, but I appreciate what we've had here.

la musica

We watched Baby Mama for the gazillionth time tonight - man, that movie never gets not funny. If I could have dinner with any person, dead or alive, it would definitely be Tina Fey. Anyway, the credits song is that baby song from Dirty Dancing. That song, and a handful of other songs, will always remind me of becoming a mother, of those first couple hectic, hormonal weeks. When I was exhausted and doubting my abilities and deleriously frustrated, there would be these little moments of dancing the baby around the living room to these songs. Those were little moments of light, where I felt just a hint of what you think having a kid is going to feel like before you have one - all cute outfits and nursery colors and joy. Oh, and how naive you are. But as the weeks stretch into months, I feel the tension and the doubt start to wane, and the joy comes more and more. I mean, even though there are trials, like starting daycare, first shots and busy days, there is always more and more joy. And there is always, and always will be, dancing.

Be My Baby - the Ronettes
Tracks of My Tears - Adam Lambert
Poker Face - Lady GaGa
Falling Slowly - Glen Hansard & Marketa Irglova
Think About Love - Dolly Parton
Put a Ring on It - Beyonce
1, 2, 3, 4 - Plain White Ts

schedule

So we're only on day two of full daycare, but I think I'm getting a schedule down (ha, ha). Here it is ...

5:10 am - ignore the dog whining to be fed
5:12 am - elbow mike secretly hoping to wake him up so he thinks he's the first to hear the dog whining to be fed (thus getting up and feeding him)
5:14 am - baby starts her usual pre-waking grunting and kicking ruckus - stick pacifier in her mouth, fall back asleep with whole arm in the bassinet
5:20 am - phone alarm rings, contemplate throwing phone
5:22 am - baby not kidding about being awake this time - BIGGEST smile when she notices you notice her awake. Hand her off to husband, who just got back from feeding the dog (the ploy worked!)
5:25 am - put on extremely stylish beanie, sweatshirt and running shoes
5:30 am - "run" in the rain with the dog - see MORE BUNNIES than could possibly exist - get whiplash from the dog every time he spots one
6:00 am - baby hand-off - diaper change, tummy raspberries, more smiles, get her dressed (40 degrees in June??!! none of the baby clothes have SLEEVES!)
6:30 am - baby hand-off - shower very fast
7:00 am - baby hand-off, a few snuggles, commence with the GREAT GATHERING OF THINGS that we both need for the day
7:15 am - Sidearm 90 pound carseat, baby, baby stuff, lunch, coffee, purse and laptop into the car - put dog in front seat because he will lick the baby if he sits in back - look a little ridiculous
7:20 am - drop dog off at grandma and grandpa's farm
7:28 am - start getting sad
7:40 am - daycare drop-off - talk to nice daycare people - feel jealous that they get to spend all day with the baby
7:45 am - commute. cry. listen to public radio. feel a little better.
8:02 am - busy, busy work
1 pm - lose momentum, get bored
2 pm - SERIOUSLY - IT'S ONLY BEEN AN HOUR?
3 pm - Look at baby's pictures on phone, feel like a bad mom
4 pm - oh. my. god. slowest. day. ever.
4:59 pm - bust out of there, determined not to be the last mom to pick up baby
5:17 pm - be second to the last mom to pick up baby - VICTORY! hear she was coughing and crying and didn't sleep all morning - DEFEAT.
5:30 pm - pick up muddy and contented dog from the farm - feel better that he's not the baby any more. Try not to cry in front of mom - not like she doesn't know what's up anyway
6:05 pm - see husband, who brought home Amstel Light, knowing it wasn't the best daycare pickup. Forget to drink one (for the rest of the night actually)
6:15 pm - snuggle times with Ainsley while husband makes dinner - explain to her you have to work because women fought very hard for that right, and so she can have a career someday, too. Get response in drool and smiles - good enough.
7:30 pm - BATHTIME - BEST TIME OF THE DAY! get more smiles and kick splashes - she's getting very good at those
8:00 - baby hand-off - dishes, pack lunches, laundry, lay out clothes for the next day, pay bills, get ready for bed
9:50 - blog
10:10 - bedtime and peace out to all the mamas and papas out there winding down their own busy days

oops

I went to use my debit card at the coffee shop this morning and it was declined. Then I realized I forgot to transfer money from our joint checking to cover the earnest money check I wrote for the new house deal. Fabulous. Motherhood is making me batty. Ah well. No other new news on the house front today.

casa

I don't even know where to start. Ainsley started daycare Monday (half days this week), which was as yucky as expected - although only for brief periods before and after drop-off/pick-up. But we're also in the process of buying a new house, which came up rather unexpectedly, so it's been a totally whacked week and I haven't been dwelling on the baby stuff as much as I thought I would. Which is good and bad, because that stress has been sort of displaced into the house stuff, but it's still there. So I'll just talk about the new house (pending financing stuff, we sort of went backwards). It's a ways out of town, in a development I never particularly loved, but we got a lot more/nicer house out there. It's just a few years old, and totally a boring, suburban mini-mcmansion, which is EXACTLY what I want after having an older home (sprinkler system! air conditioning!!). There are some really nice upgrades, like stainless steel and wood/tile throughout, wet bar in the family room, a nice deck, covered porch and patio. What really sold us is that the kitchen, dining and living room are all one big space, which will be great for the limited time we'll all have to hang at night. Plus there are THREE bathrooms, which is ridiculous, really, but after sharing a bathroom with the square footage of a wheelbarrow for the last four years, I'm rejoicing. And last, and BEST, there's a laundry area with a built-in frontloading washer and dryer. Hallelujah. My sister just got frontloaders, and she said you can stuff like twice a normal load in them. Which I do to our washer and dryer now, which is probably why we just paid 150 bucks to get the dryer fixed. Ah well. Here are a few pics ... again, grain of salt - we still need confirmation on the financing, part of which involves my parents buying our current house to keep as a rental, which is a whole other complicated thing especially because they're on a cruise this week. But we do have an accepted offer, so things are looking good. More later. Peace out.

gas

The baby is in her co-sleeper next to the bed, and just tooted so loud she woke herself up. She is gastro-intestinally gifted, indeed. Pretty soon I'll have to stop saying "good one!" when she burps or farts like a middle-aged truck driver. I will do so, begrudgingly.

first vacation

The nugget is stirring in her swing, so i probably don't have a lot of time to post. It's just been ages, and i wanted to update on our first little vacation! We went to Colorado Springs to see Mike's sister for Memorial Day weekend - almost 10 hours each way (more with Denver traffic). The baby was fantastic actually. She slept and slept unless she was hungry, which we tried to stay ahead of. I did have to give her a bottle in Denver traffic because we couldn't pull over. Yuck, I wanted to barf just watching her. Sitting backwards in a carseat eating and swerving in and out of traffic - it was making me nauseous. She took it like a champ, though! It was a pretty fun weekend - low key. We just hung at the in-laws and played with the babies (Ainsley's cousin Ava is one). We had a few beers after the babies went to bed Saturday night - it reminded Mike and I of when you were little and your aunts and uncles and parents hung out and drank beer on vacation. We're so old. We also ventured to Old Colorado City - it's a little town right by Springs with a cute main street with shops and restaurants. There was a Territory Days festival going on, so it would have been fun to go walk around, but there was a HUGE rainstorm just as we were pulling in. We also missed the exit, then Ava was starving, then there was no parking. Mike got out in the rain, dug both strollers out and his sister and I were like, uh, we know it's a little late but how about we scrap these plans? We didn't have umbrellas or extra blankets or sweatshirts or anything. Ha, ha - it was also like when you're little and you try to have family outings and it ends up going wrong and everyone starts fighting, but then when you talk about it later the memories are fun. That made me laugh. Having kids is so weird. I sure have a lot more respect for what my parents went through. After the downpour debacle, we ended up just going downtown in springs to this wood oven pizza restaurant. It was warm and dry with parking right out front, and Ava got to play with pizza dough (eating a lot of it). It was fun - the afternoon was salvaged. Ok - baby is not tolerating this any more - more later if I have time. :)

baby dracula

The baby's hair has been growing like crazy, just in the past week or so. It's hilarious, she is going to have the deepest widow's peak. Today I said she looked a little like Dracula, and my husband revealed that the kids called him Eddie Munster in high school when he had short hair. Funny. It's dark, too, and we were both blond, blond little kids. Hmm, dark hair, dark(ish) complexion, I'm not entirely sure whose kid this really is. Having a kid is so bizarre. Sometimes looking at her is like staring in a mirror, sometimes it's like staring at my husband, sometimes it's a crazy, bizarro mix of the two. It's like that show that was on public TV in the 80s, where the princess was held in a castle by a witch, and the witch would come up every day and put random things in this machine and a book would pop out (apparently called Once Upon A Time, google tells me - does anyone else remember that show?! It was awesome!! Apparently it was a Nebraska Public Radio show filmed in Omaha ... but I digress). Like they would put in a toy train and a teddy bear and out would pop a book about a teddy bear that drives trains. That's what having a kid is like. Like Mike and I got dumped into Marion the Librarian's genetics machine and out pops a little Ainsley. Sometimes I walk into the room and the baby and Mike are both looking at the TV, same exact looks on their faces. So weird. But also very cool. Until she starts talking - I can't wait to see whose mouth she got. Yikes.

crap

The baby has already started watching the TV when it's on. If she's in her swing she'll turn her head to stare at the TV. Uh oh. I kind of thought we had more time before I had to worry about too much TV. Also, I should probably stop watching crap in case she subconsciously starts retaining things. I can only imagine the end product of a child raised on the Rock-of-Love-Bus-Real-World-Road-Rules-Challenge-Hills TV diet I've rocking during maternity leave. Vapid at best, stripper at worst. Her dad would be so mad at me.

whirlwind

Man, busy times. My sister left this morning. She was great to have around - she stayed here one night and even did the 4am bottle. It was fantastic. She's pretty bummed she might not see the baby again until Christmas - I know how that feels. We didn't see our niece from July to Christmas last year and we were like 'huh, where did the baby go?'. I'll have to send her lots of pictures. Anyway, the week was good - just lots of hanging out. My sister gave me a mother's day card with a coupon for a free night of babysitting and cash to go out to dinner, so Tuesday night Mike and I went up to Deadwood and had a few cocktails and dinner. It was good to have some time to just talk - it's amazing how little of that you get time to do after having a baby. I see why people say to make time for your relationship.

Today the baby and I are just chillin'. She's been sleeping a lot, I think having people around kept her awake more than usual and she's making up for it. She's a pretty social little thing - if we're at a family thing she definitely likes to be part of the action. I suppose it's good sometimes - it keeps her sleeping at night. I counted today, and I only have 10 days of maternity leave left (where we won't be traveling - we're going to Colorado next week). It's sad. I think I'm going to let all the dishes and house stuff go so there's more time for snuggling!

mother's day

What a busy weekend. My sister Kari came from Boise on Saturday, and we picked her up at the airport. She hadn't seen Ainsley yet and she is the (self-proclaimed) baby whisperer, so she was super excited. We couldn't leave without taking the baby out of her carseat so Kari could hold her in the loading/unloading zone for a little bit. Afterward we stopped to see Great Grandma T at her apartment and she was funny as usual, secretly smoking in her apartment (there were suspect ashes in the toilet and a bit of a haze). Ah, to be 83 years old and still sneaking cigarettes. If I live until 83 I might sneak cigarettes, too. I'll definitely drink cocktails by myself in the daytime - probably martinis. I say if you live into your 80s, you've earned the right.

The only damper on the day was that it was the first full day of not breastfeeding, so I felt like I had the hindenburg strapped to my chest. Man, that was super uncomfortable, even worse then when my milk came in. I was pretty distracted from my guilt all day, but once we got back to town and things started to calm down toward bedtime, I mentally downward spiraled pretty quickly. I ended up breaking down and nursing once before bed, because the baby was fussy and rooting like crazy and wouldn't go to sleep. I've decided to try and continue to do it just once in the morning and once before bed, if more for my emotional benefit than anything else. I'm not sure if the boobs will allow it though, I pretty much wreaked havoc on the supply by stopping for two days. Ah well, if there's nothing there, there's nothing there, and then the decision will be made for me and we'll be done.

Sunday was my first Mother's Day. I woke up at probably 6:00 and could hear Mike sneaking around in the living room, so I thought something must be up - he's not naturally the earliest riser. A few minutes later he came in with a card and a pretty diamond necklace - he's such a thoughtful guy. It's funny - every time I get nice jewelry from him, it's always on the heels of me acting like an total asshole. Saturday night before I was all distraught about the breastfeeding and sort of chewing him out, then I was cursing him during the middle of the night bottle because he didn't have to work the next day and didn't offer to help out. Then I wake up to jewelry - oops. :) The night before we got engaged, I drank way too many mai tais (we were in Hawaii) and was in the hotel lobby, bawling about how he would never propose, blah, blah, blah. I am such a loser sometimes.

So the rest of Sunday was good. We went to my parents' house and Mike cooked king crab legs and all the sibs were there. I had grand plans to write this sappy mother's day post last night, but we didn't get home until nine and I was done for. Luckily, as a mother's day present to her mommy, Ainsley slept for six hours straight last night!

9:53 pm

Well, we've made it this far and I haven't caved on the boobfront, amazingly. I don't feel any better, and as soon as Mike got home from work tonight I commenced with losing my shit for about two hours straight, and then went out to my parents' house to pick up the dog and stayed for a beer. They, of the strictly-formula-child-rearing generation, thought I was nuts for being so bothered by this, which was good to hear. Ugh, I just can't hold the baby and have her rooting around, it's terrible. She's just keeps looking up at me like, come on, lady, we had an AGREEMENT. I think Mike might be on holding duty for the rest of the night. The silver lining of all this is that I'm currently drinking a gigantic glass of pinot grigio for the first time in 11 months.

5 good things

Glancing through all my posts, I seem to write about the negative/worrisome stuff a lot. I need work on that. Because there is positive stuff about motherhood so far, LOTS of positive stuff. To prove it, here are some things I'm enjoying or feel like I'm doing well at ...

1. The baby is healthy. All that worrying about her not eating enough in those early weeks were apparently unfounded. She is huge and strong and holding her head up already.

2. Every day we have "coffee talk" where I pretty much just talk nonsense ("what did we do today? go to the park? did we see trees and flowers? blah, blah, blah"). And she gets all excited and kicks her legs and "talks" back at me. It's adorable, and she's obviously gifted (nobody tell me these things are normal at 6 weeks, I won't believe you anyway).

3. We're actually venturing out, despite mama's irrational fears of germs and baby snatchers. We've gone to the gym or for walks every day this week. We've been to WALMART - ew, germ circus! We're picking my sister up at the airport on Saturday in Rapid City. We're even planning a 10-hour drive to Colorado to see my in-laws on Memorial Day weekend! (Ok, that last one might just be crazy).

4. We're getting slightly more sleep at night. The baby usually goes a five-hour stretch at night before needing to eat again. And she crashes pretty hard at 9:00-ish, like she knows it's bedtime.

5. If the dog eats the last pacifier, we'll be ok. We've tried other pacifiers, but the baby will only take the orange ones we got at the hospital (probably because they cost us, like, $80 apiece). Two of the three we originally had have fallen victim to Cooper, and I once shuddered at the thought of losing the last one. But the baby has been falling asleep most of the time without a pacifier at all. Awesome.

6. And last, but certainly not least, smiles ...

done day (i think)

I think I'm stopping breastfeeding today. I say "I think" because I was going to stop last night and ended up feeding her in the night. It's way harder then I thought it would be (on me, the baby doesn't seem to give a rip - she just loves to eat, clearly). I have terrible knots in my stomach and I feel like the worst mom - I'm sure for the first of many times. I wrote a post a couple of weeks ago about how terrible and unnatural breastfeeding felt to me. The thing is, I don't feel like that anymore. It's much easier, I enjoy the bonding and it breaks my heart to stop. I just feel like it will be too difficult when I go back to work. I don't think office pumping is realistic (and that's when we're in the office, not out at meetings or traveling). We've been giving the baby a couple of bottles of formula a day, and she takes it really well. After her bedtime bottle, she actually makes these full baby sounds while she's falling asleep. Soft little coos instead of the grunts and squirms she makes in her sleep after I feed her. I swear, she also spits up less after formula feedings. But, whatever. The truth of it is I am a control freak and want to have a couple of weeks to get her on a schedule that will be similar to what she'll be on when I'm back at work. I want to have some idea of how many ounces of formula she eats in a day. So "I think" this is the right decision, I just didn't know it would feel so awful.

next, college

So my trepidation at packing the little one off to daycare was not lessened today when I stopped at daycare to fill out some paperwork. I had to grab someone out of the baby room because the director was out at lunch, and there were all these babies there. Babies just laying there. Without parents. Because their parents just LEFT THEM THERE. Like I will do.

So, ok, the babies looked fine and happy. They were playing on mats and in exersaucers. And the ladies were watching and playing with and feeding them. But still, ugh. My diabolical scheme to stay for awhile and spy didn't pan out, because I had to fill out the registration form as fast as I could and then go to my car and cry. I am NOT looking forward to the first morning of work.

working mom

There's just a little over three weeks left of my maternity leave. Now that I'm in under the month mark, I'm not sure how to feel. When it was over a month, over two months, it was ambiguous enough an amount of time that I didn't really think about it. It just felt like, well, forever. But now, not so much.

Part of me is devastated to put the baby in daycare, part of me is ready to rejoin the ranks of adults. I'm nervous that I will have forgotten everything because I want to do well, and I'm disconcerted by how little I've actually thought about work in the last couple of weeks. (But I suppose I've been a little preoccupied, you know, raising a child.)

I don't know, I think I'm just overwhelmed at the thought of trying to do both motherhood and career. I know many women do, but it somehow feels different on this side of the fence. It's a lot to ask of women, I just didn't really know how much, before (and I haven't even gone back to work yet). I think no matter how far we go as a society, no matter how equal we say or pretend we are, there's something profoundly difficult about being a working mom, in particular. Maybe it's the crushing sense of responsibility that grows through pregnancy and then labor and sometimes breastfeeding. Maybe that sense of responsibility is so crushing because thousands of years ago it had to be, so we didn't leave our babies out in the rain to freeze to death or be eaten by sabertooth tigers. But we carry that responsibility into our jobs and our marriages, and then we have kids and it becomes a heavy load. Yes, men have an innate sense of responsibility too, but maybe because they were out hunting and protecting and warring for all those ancient years, they don't feel quite the burden on the homefront.

Or maybe it's the multitasking thing, maybe as women we take on the household stuff and the work stuff and the parenting stuff all at the same time because we can. Or at least, we think we can.

Like I said, I'm not sure exactly what to think. My modern brain fervidly wants to have a career and contribute to something bigger (and, truthfully, our finances require it). I need to socialize and learn new things and have adult conversations. I like to work and I (we) have earned that right. But another part of me, an older and deeper part, feels deeply guilty and heartbroken that my daughter will be cared for by others for the majority of her infanthood. And I'm not sure how to reconcile the two.

holy giant baby!

We took the baby in for her 6 week check-up and she's in the 95th percentile for head, weight and height! I guess I'm not surprised, thinking back on how big our niece was at six weeks, Ainsley seems much gangly-er. The doctor even said we could start her on cereal at two months if she's still super hungry. Oh, giant monster baby. So grunty and squirmy and giant! She looked great though, she's really healthy and the doctor was impressed. I'm calling it now - she's going to be a wild one. She flails and kicks so much that I think she'll be happy when she can finally crawl and walk. She's just stocking up for that.

uphill

Tuesday marks six weeks since the little nugget was born. I got the go-ahead to start working out at four weeks, and have been taking it pretty easy (walking and eliptical, a few arm free weights). Today I decided to stop being a loser and actually try. I ran intervals for 30 minutes, did some arm stuff and actually did crunches - hooray! I can't believe how hard three sets of abs were, it was ridiculous. But you gotta start somewhere, and I'm not sure where working out will fit in after I go back to work so I'd better take advantage now. It sucks - I can't really justify spending an hour of what little time I'll have with the baby working out. I'm thinking I could either go really early in the morning or after she goes to bed at night (assuming we can successfully get her bedtime moved up to eight or nine instead of 10 or 11). Maybe Mike and I could trade off going to the gym after she goes down for the night. Honestly neither option is going to be very fun with working all day as well, but I have to try. I feel icky right now, body-wise, but for me working out is way more about my mental health. I am a MONSTER when I don't work out.

kudos

I have to say my insurance provider through work (Dakotacare) has been FANTASTIC through the baby stuff. I was just going through my claims on their site, all of which have been processed from labor and delivery. We're paying peanuts of the total cost (which is OUTRAGEOUS, but that's a topic for another day). And I don't even think my premiums are that high each month. And their customer service is great, to boot - every time I've used their email help, I've received a response within 24 hours.

Also, I had supplementary disability and sickness policies through Aflac. These paid part of my salary for maternity leave and a lump sum based on hospital confinement, surgery, etc. I had a check within a couple of weeks, and I only had to fax one form.

Now, I'm all for universal, government-sponsored health care - I mean, how can a basic democratic right be effectively privatized? It's like having privatized law enforcement. BUT, that being said, I don't mind paying in the meantime for good, effective, fair coverage (and I feel like my premiums and deductible are fair). When we go the universal route as a country, and I think we will, I hope the gov will work with the good guys in the industry and help them be a part of it.

my skin hurts

Whenever I'm crabby or grumpy or whiny, I like to tell (whine to?) my husband that "my skin hurts". Ugh, I think it's hereditary. The baby has been fairly inconsolable the past couple of days. She's fallen into a pattern of eating (but not a lot) every hour or two (if I'm lucky), falling asleep for 15 minutes and and then waking up grunting and fussing and building into full out screaming, only consolable by feeding her again. I would think maybe it's the formula we're giving her, but she does it after breastfeeding, just the same (probably worse). And she's actually been really sleepy at night, just waking up to eat every few hours and going right back down. You'd think if it was acid reflux she'd be more uncomfortable at night, being laid down on her back. Part of me thinks she's just really becoming aware of her surroundings and getting sensory overload or something - that or a growth spurt and she just can't get full. She's been sleeping most of this afternoon, so hopefully we're on the upswing. I hope so, it's been really frustrating. Her crying is honestly my least favorite sound in the world - I would almost call in gut-wrenching. I can't explain - I know crying babies aren't generally soothing, but when it's your own it's nuts. I feel like it's some kind of animalistic evolutionary cavewoman thing, almost to where I can't deal with it. We were at my parents' house last night, and my mom took the baby upstairs for awhile to give me a break. I could still hear crying and it was giving me anxious knots in my stomach. Same when Mike takes her. I wish it didn't make me feel like that - it would be nice to have a true, honest, break when she's on a fussing marathon, especially when I've been on fuss-bucket detail alone all day.

But, like I said, the seas seem calmer this afternoon. I've still been letting the baby fall asleep with me holding her after she eats, but then I put her in her crib for the rest of her nap (we'll graduate to getting her to actually fall asleep in her crib another day). I heard the fuss-grunting start up a bit ago, and then it stopped and she fell back asleep on her own. It's a start.

Ok, duty calls - I just heard a super-poop from the other room. I hope it didn't shoot out of her diaper (again). All the hollywood moms were right, this motherhood thing is tres chic!

relieved

Yikes, intense last post. I've decided to deplane the breastfeeding crazy train and just try to do what feel right for us - and lighten up a little in the process. We started giving the baby one formula bottle a day, for her bedtime feeding at 10 or 11 pm. Since Mike takes the "rock to sleep" shift it's actually worked out marvelously most nights - I can go to bed at 9:30 or 10 and then I don't have to feed the baby until 3:00 or 3:30 in the morning. Those couple of hours of uninterrupted sleep are indescribably wonderful, and it's a relief that the baby didn't balk at formula (or get sick or turn into a leprauchaun or whatever happens when you don't exclusively breastfeed). It's actually made me calmer at other feedings, knowing that the baby won't starve if I fall into an uncovered manhole. In fact, on Friday we pretty much just sat on the couch all day, watching DVRed episodes of the West Wing, eating, napping and playing. It's really the first time I've done that since we came home from the hospital. I guess it was the new mama anxiety keeping me from relaxing, despite the instructions to take it easy after the c-section. I can see the end of maternity leave in sight, and I know I won't have much opportunity to just snuggle after I go back to work. Not to mention the baby is already growing like a weed and probably won't want to snuggle with me pretty soon. Speaking of growing up - big girl is smiling and cooing - it's super cute.

struggling

I have to be honest, as I close in on my first full month as a mother, I am still struggling with breastfeeding. It's hard to explain, it just doesn't feel how I thought it would. I feel like a buffet most of the time, like I can't comfort the baby well because all she wants is food from me. I don't like the unpredictability of the feeding schedule, I don't like not knowing if she's getting enough to eat. For something so natural, it still doesn't feel natural to me. It feels cumbersome and messy. Whenever I know there's a feeding coming up, I get bad anxiety and I dread it. Despite cuddling and talking during feeding time, I still don't feel like I'm nourishing or nurturing my daughter, I feel like I'm disappointing her, like she can sense my apprehension. I'm a textbook over-analyzer, so coupled with sleep deprivation I'm sure that is greatly responsible for my negativity. But whatever the reason, sometimes I think that negativity is impeding on both of our enjoyment of the very short window of exclusive time I have home with the baby before going back to work.

Then there's the internets. If half of new mothers bottlefeed from the start, why can I only find pro-breastfeeding information online? I understand there are benefits to breastfeeding, but I can't find the actual studies. I did find one article that explores the link between wealthier, more-educated women and the benefits of exclusive breastfeeding. True, their babies were overall healthier, with higher IQs - but these women also tended to have higher IQs, and provided more stimulating and healthier prenatal and home environments. Once the wealth/education factor was removed from the study, the benefits shown from exclusive breastfeeding disappeared. The I think of two of my friends who breastfed exclusively - one for 6 months, the other for a year. The former has had three ear infections and RSV in the last two months. The latter has asthma and allergies. So I'm not sure about the claim that breastfeeding is a magic bullet.

Speak of the devil, duty calls and I will gladly oblige. But I definitely have more thinking to do.

dormir

Last night the baby developed an aversion to her co-sleeper bassinet, I think because snuggling while sleeping with mom or dad is much preferable (there was a lot of that yesterday since it was a Saturday). I was up with her from 12:30 to 3:00, Mike got 3:00 to 4:00, I got 6:00 to 8:00 and she finally went down until 10:00. Crazay. At least it was a weekend so I could recruit Mike for rocking duty. I was not doing so well going into the second hour. Mad love to all the parents of colicky babies out there, ones who actually cry for hours. I think I would freak. Ours just grunts, fusses and kicks her legs a lot. But I don't think she once busted into full-out crying. Poor little nugget, I don't blame her. Where would you rather sleep? Here's to a more restful tonight.

better and bored ... er

This mommyhood stuff seems to be getting easier. I think we've passed the steepest part of the initial feeding-burping-sleeping-changing learning curve. There's still plenty of incline, but I definitely feel less anxious and have more confidence. This has really been the first week where I think back about life before baby and get an empty, sad feeling. Before this I was just so overwhelmed, I was having flashes of feeling wistful about the simplicity of pre-parenthood. But now, even in the middle of the night when we're going into the second or third straight hour of feeding and changing, I feel priviledged in a way. We are very lucky to have this healthy little girl, and I can't believe the ways that she's grown and changed already.

Outside of taking care of the baby, maternity leave is taking some getting used to. I got the go-ahead to start working out next week, so that will give me (us) and excuse to get out of the house each day go on walks. I might try the gym with the baby - if I go in the morning right after she eats I think I'll be good to use one of the machines for awhile if she's in her carseat. She's such a good baby - if she's full she's usually sleeping or just chilling, taking things in. So that will help a lot to get us both on a little bit of a schedule. I really do appreciate being able to take this time off, it's just quite an adjustment from working full time.

small victories

Ugh - I felt defeated today. I don't know what the deal was - I just felt overwhelmed and anxious and isolated. I think it was time for the week to be over and have Mike home for a weekend. Plus his mom came to town tonight for Easter weekend, so all day I was feeling like I needed to get the house clean - which is hard to do when you aren't supposed to lift or vacuum. I guess, too, I'm just a little afraid I'm sliding into postpartum depression or something, so every bummer day feels like teetering on the edge, when it could very well just be sleep deprivation and normal new mom feelings.

But then there were some good things, too, today. My parents came over and watched the baby while I ran to buy some interim jeans. I learned the problem isn't so much that I can't fit into my old size of pants (I'm actually really close) - it's more that the rise of most normal pants hits right at my incision so it's really uncomfortable. Then I went to the doctor for a post-surg checkup and everything looked great - they kept saying they couldn't believe I had a c-section two weeks ago. That made me feel good somehow - plus I can start working out a little in about a week. Also, it's kind of catty, but there were lots of new moms in the doctor's office waiting room (with new babies in carriers) and, man, I shouldn't feel so bad. Granted, maybe I had a week or two on them postpartum, but they looked rough. Still in full sweats and everything. I didn't even wear sweats in public to Ainsley's first baby doctor appointment. It just made me feel even grosser - I would rather wear maternity clothes.

Hmm, what else was good? I checked on my Aflac disability and it looks like they already processed everything for that policy and the other hospitalization/sickness one I have. I didn't even send the form in for that one yet, but they must have just figured it out since they had permission to get info from the hospital. Which is awesome. I have a tendency to mistrust insurance companies in general - it's great to have one that just does what they say they're going to.

And then bathtime, tonight. If normal baths have been a 10 on the meltdown scale, this one was more like a three. Baby did so good. I guess I should always let her pee on me right before. :)

peep toe

Just like her dad, this kid thwarts all my attempts to keep her feet covered up.

over a week

A week and two days into this parenting thing and so far, so good. We had the first baby doctor appointment last Thursday and baby is doing great. She's back up to her birthweight, her lungs sounded great, she even demonstrated her strengthening digestive system by pooping all over the nurse. That made me feel better on the breastfeeding front. Good enough, even, to stop waking her up every couple of hours to eat. It was resulting in these weirdo spells of being awake for two or three hours in the middle of the night. Last night I just let her tell me when she was hungry - about every 3 or 4 hours, but she ate a lot more and went right back to sleep afterwards. Hopefully it wasn't just a fluke - I guess we'll see what happens tonight.

Mike goes back to work tomorrow. I think I'm ok with that (seeing as I made him stay home for three extra days). He's a little sad, I think, but what can you do? I can't believe how fast my leave is going already - I can't think about going back to work yet, it makes me a little sick, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. I actually get two extra weeks of disability pay because of the c-section but I'm not sure if I should take it. I'm leaning towards it, because, why not? It's not like I'll be in the loop at all by then anyway so what's a couple more weeks if I'm getting paid for it? That would put us into mid-June and then I'm trying to orchestrate some grandma daycare (a week with my mom, maybe a week with Mike's mom if she wants to come stay). Something about hitting the three-month mark gives me some sense of security, however false it is.

Week 1: things that have surprised me

1. Breastfeeding is hard and more frustrating than I thought it would be. And I have had a relatively easy go of it, I think (not too sore, pretty good latching). It's just the constant demand, and it's hard for dad to help with that, especially at night. We're talking every hour sometimes. And it's SUPER messy. "What to Expect" defines baby girl as an "excited ineffective" nurser - she just gets so jazzed about eating that if the first latch doesn't take immediately, she completely melts down. So we've had a few battles where both of us come out dripping. Kind of gross, but true. I think it'll just get easier and I'm learning a few tricks. I also pumped for the first time today, so it'll be nice to have that option.

2. These hormones are INSANE. The first couple of days home were fairly awful. I mean, obviously I love this baby girl and there was joy, too, but I just felt totally in over my head and alone and absolutely crushed by the task ahead of raising a child. With each passing day and night this gets better, but I still have sort of a witching hour around dinner time when I get all nerved up - I think that's when the lack of sleep catches up to me the most. I made Mike stay home from work the rest of this week with me because I just didn't feel ready. I feel a little bad about it, but I think it was worth it for all of our sanity.

3. Jesus, babies go through a lot of diapers. I mean, A LOT. After we topped out at ruining five diapers during one changing (poop and pee everywhere) we learned a few tricks for keeping the explosions at bay, but even with that it's like a package of 40 every 2 days. It's crazy.

4. I'm still nesting, bad. I thought it would subside a little after pregnancy, or I wouldn't care as much because I'd be too tired, but I can't sit still. I suppose it's a little germaphobia having a little one in the house. Speaking of being pregnant, and I feel a little bad saying this, but I don't think I miss it at all. It's a little sad not feeling baby kicks, but now I get to kiss those baby feet after they kick and it's way better than heartburn and being huge and giant and disgusting. Plus my wedding ring fits again this week, which makes me feel whole.

Blizzard Baby

Apologies, it's been awhile. I was a bit busy HAVING A BABY.

Amazingly enough, it actually happened on my due date, but not really at all like I thought it would. During a blizzard where we got 18 inches of snow, of course. Mike dug us out once the day before (I was having contractions Sunday night already, the blizzard was Monday, the baby was born Tuesday). When we went to bed Sunday night I was having contractions about 15 minutes apart. I woke up to write down the times and they slowly moved closer together and got way more intense. By 1:00 am they were about four minutes apart so I called the hospital and they said to come in.

The four or five blocks to the main road weren't plowed, but luckily we have 4-wheel drive. Mike told me later he was scared we were going to get stuck, but at the time I couldn't think of anything except horrendous contractions.

They admitted us a little after 2:00 am and I continued to have contractions for awhile - about 2 minutes apart. Unfortunately I wasn't dilating at all with them (I was at about 2 cm and sticking). The doctor suggested we walk around to try to get things moving. The labor and delivery wing was u-shaped and pretty small. We'd walk to one end, stop in front of the nursery window, have a contraction, and walk to the other point of the "u". Then we'd stop in front of the door where the doctor was sleeping in a recliner (there were 22 blizzard babies born over the course of those couple days). I would have another contraction staring at the doctor's sock feet.

After 45 minutes of this, the doctor checked again ... 2.5 cm. I wanted to bawl. Or die. The most awesome nurse in the world, named Cindy Brady, finally just said if you want to get an epidural, just do it already. I was having contractions every two minutes for 90 seconds. I said yes, please.

It was awesome. The needle wasn’t even scary. I told them they should sell it on the streets. I could see my contractions on the monitor, but I couldn’t feel anything. I started to take a nap.
Suddenly the doctor and nurses were there, turning me on my side and pulling out the ticker tape from under the monitor that tracks the baby’s heartbeat. The baby was distressing, her heart rate was down to 65. All I could see was Mike’s face. He looked like he was going to throw up. They put a monitor on her head. After a few minutes, things seemed to be back to normal. I thanked God.

Since I still wasn’t dilating, they started a pitocin drip. We waited and dozed and then the doctor was there again. She said after every contraction the baby’s heart rate was dropping. Nothing as drastic as before, but she said there are certain patterns you don’t mess with, and maybe the cord was wrapped around the baby’s neck, or maybe the placenta was separating. She said she wanted to do a c-section right away. I wanted to talk to my mom. They were snowed in at home, but Mike was keeping them posted. I talked to my mom and tried not to cry. Later, my sister said at this point my dad said “this is bullshit” and they started digging out to get to town.

They wheeled me to the elevator and it went down to the surgery floor. Mike went with Cindy Brady to put scrubs on. At this point I didn’t feel scared. The anesthetist was so nice, and explaining everything that was happening. Mike got there and sat by me. They said I’d feel a lot of pressure, but I didn’t. I was moving my feet in circles the whole time. Then the baby cried and it was wonderful. And they said she looked beautiful and her head was big. I said that was Mike’s fault, and everyone laughed. They held her around the curtain and I thought she looked like my mom’s side of the family. Then Mike went with her and they cleaned her up. Then they brought her back over and I touched her little hand and it was all worth it.