I have to be honest, as I close in on my first full month as a mother, I am still struggling with breastfeeding. It's hard to explain, it just doesn't feel how I thought it would. I feel like a buffet most of the time, like I can't comfort the baby well because all she wants is food from me. I don't like the unpredictability of the feeding schedule, I don't like not knowing if she's getting enough to eat. For something so natural, it still doesn't feel natural to me. It feels cumbersome and messy. Whenever I know there's a feeding coming up, I get bad anxiety and I dread it. Despite cuddling and talking during feeding time, I still don't feel like I'm nourishing or nurturing my daughter, I feel like I'm disappointing her, like she can sense my apprehension. I'm a textbook over-analyzer, so coupled with sleep deprivation I'm sure that is greatly responsible for my negativity. But whatever the reason, sometimes I think that negativity is impeding on both of our enjoyment of the very short window of exclusive time I have home with the baby before going back to work.
Then there's the internets. If half of new mothers bottlefeed from the start, why can I only find pro-breastfeeding information online? I understand there are benefits to breastfeeding, but I can't find the actual studies. I did find one article that explores the link between wealthier, more-educated women and the benefits of exclusive breastfeeding. True, their babies were overall healthier, with higher IQs - but these women also tended to have higher IQs, and provided more stimulating and healthier prenatal and home environments. Once the wealth/education factor was removed from the study, the benefits shown from exclusive breastfeeding disappeared. The I think of two of my friends who breastfed exclusively - one for 6 months, the other for a year. The former has had three ear infections and RSV in the last two months. The latter has asthma and allergies. So I'm not sure about the claim that breastfeeding is a magic bullet.
Speak of the devil, duty calls and I will gladly oblige. But I definitely have more thinking to do.
1 comments:
Oh, Krista. I am teary because I so know what you're going through. I think you are being extremely honest and realistic with yourself. As a fellow over-analyzer and over-preparer, I have to say that the biggest break I gave myself as a new mom was to STOP reading parenting articles online and to put away my baby books.
Next baby, I'm BFing prolly two weeks tops. I bet he'll still learn to read and develop an immune system.
Sending love! A
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