I hope

My heart is broken, along with countless others in our country, over the school shooting in Connecticut. Along with so many other parents, I have been dutifully taking my little ones to their daycare center this week, when I really want to stay home, lock all the doors and hug them all day. But we must go on.

I hope the families of those twenty beautiful babies find some semblance of peace. I hope the families of the administrators and teachers find solace in the selflessness and bravery shown by their loved ones. I hope the brother and father of the shooter are shown grace. I hope our country can use this unspeakable tragedy as an opportunity for coming together and healing, instead of fracturing further. I hope our leaders strive to make common sense improvements to our gun laws and mental health resources. 

But mostly, I hope this never, ever happens again.   

Thankful

So I keep meaning to do that Thanksvember thing on Facebook where you post what you're thankful for each day (because I always need help in the gratitude department). But, alas, it is now the 12th and the catch up seems a little overwhelming, so I'll just put a few things on here each week. 

1) My two beautiful kids. They totally turned my life topsy turvy and I wouldn't trade them for anything. Even on the most exasperating days, I still can't image life without them, not even for a second. It would be flat and colorless. They are my heart and soul, and I hope if I teach them nothing else, they know they are loved to the ends of the universe and back, unconditionally.

2) My husband. As we look at starting our second decade together, I can honestly say I have never loved him more. Each life challenge only serves to reinforce that when we were just young lovestruck pups, I couldn't have made a better decision in picking a life partner and father for my children.

3) Our extended families and friends. When we're at these huge family gatherings, or trekking across some snowbound state for the holidays, or there's a massive response to some silly Facebook picture I posted, all I can think is I hope my kids know how lucky they are to have this network of support. Some people have nobody to turn to in hard times. We have more people than I can even count, who I have no doubt would be there in a blink if we needed help. And I hope they know we would do the same.

fear

I hope that writing about this will be therapeutic. It's worth a shot.

So it's probably no secret based on my previous posts, but I am sort of an anxiety-driven person. When I am "handling" it, I can sort of ratchet it down to a livable level. The older I get, the more I can reign it in. I have developed some cognitive and physical ways of tempering it as well. In some ways it has been responsible for many of the good things in my life. It rarely lets me drop the ball. It has helped me be someone that can be counted on, both professional and personally. But during life changing events, happy or sad, it can grow and be a bit debilitating. Having a baby falls into that category, for sure. I am surprised, I guess, because I expected it to be better this time around. We knew what to expect, so I thought it would be easy. Well, it hasn't been. But it's getting better. This is about the same time it got better when we had Ainsley, as well. Around three to four months postpartum I start to get my wits about me. I think it has a lot to do with getting more sleep, getting the baby on a schedule and getting some organization and systems in place. So there are very good days, and some so-so days, mixed in with way fewer rough ones.

So that's good.

But there's this whole other dark side to my anxiety that I'm having troubles kicking lately. I think it has to do with nursing, indirectly. I spend a lot of time on my iPhone when I nurse. And I'm somewhat of a news junky. And the news lately has just felt, well, bad. There was the abduction and murder of Jessica Ridgeway in Colorado. And the nanny murder in New York. And countless others, both recent and long since passed, that get dredged up to fill the news cycle. And I just get wound up and sick about it all.

And I am not delusional. It's not that I think there is a rampant epidemic of random violence or child abductions. I think we just hear about it all more. But it is just so terrifying.

I think Ainsley's age is part of it, too. She is getting more and more independent, and we will increasingly have to entrust other adults with her safety. I do trust her daycare completely, I really do. And she's never with anyone else besides her parents or grandparents (maybe an auntie occasionally, but they don't live close), and I trust these people implicitly. But it won't be long before she starts grade school, and then we move into the territory of sleepovers and coaches and bus rides. And I know I can be diligent, but I can't keep her in a bubble. And then there's Tuck - just three months old. I am even uneasy leaving him at daycare, and it's not that I don't trust our facility. It's just that he's so helpless. And there's nothing I can do that will 100% protect either of these kids from the evils of the world. And that's just impossible to process at the moment. So the result is anxiety. Stay-awake-at-night anxiety. So the day-to-day stuff feels better, and calmer, but the intangible is still sort of a mess.

So I suppose I will take it a day at a time. That's all you can really do. I need to realize I can only control my actions, but I cannot control the outside world, as scare as that is. I need to take solace in the fact that there is overwhelming probability that we'll all be just fine. And I need to get the hell off my phone.

3 months, 1 day

Yesterday was Tucker's three month birthday, if there is such a thing. Me-oh-my these months have flown by. I had no idea how little free time you had with two kids, although it is getting a little better now that nursing is calming down a bit (like every three hours, instead of every 90 minutes). Plus Tuck is getting to the point where he can just sit and watch what's going on around him, instead of needing to be held every minute. And he loves it. I think he's our little hoot owl--just taking it all in with those big blues (Yes, blue!).

I also just starting him to daycare two days a week so I can get things going for tax season. It was nice bonding time bringing him to the office with me, but no so productive. So it's crazy fitting it into two days a week, but it's nice feeling like I'm not doing both things--hanging with baby and working--halfway. That was more of a source of stress than I realized, I think.

Other than the crazy amount of chores that come with my two rascals, life is really good. We are settling into kind of a routine on days home. I am doing my best to keep up with Ainsley and plan activities now that the weather is turning colder. She is a ball of energy, that one. And so sassy! It's like her creativity and compassion and curiosity are huge, and her sass has kept pace. I suppose it's a way of feeling out her independence (of which there appears to be no shortage). But she is just such a cool kid. And she loves her brother. We moved his carseat into the middle of the backseat so my mother-in-law could fit in our car, and Ainsley just tickles and talks to him the whole time we go anywhere. And wipes his drool (of which there appears to be no shortage).

And Tucker. He's just a sweetie pie, and so mellow. He's started sleeping from about 11:00 to 6:00 most nights, sometimes longer. And I lean over to get him out of bed and it's just never ending smiles. Sometimes I'm afraid he's not eating enough because I'm not sure he'd even complain about it (Mike thinks I'm crazy to think that, as both the chub on this kid, and the mustard poops, are abundant).

The whole family-of-four thing overall - it really is a great feeling. I mean, I have my spaz attack moments. The twenty minutes before we have to leave the house for anything are never my finest. But really I feel so blessed. It's funny - I take so long to adjust to these things. I obviously loved Tucker when he was born, and would have gone feral on any threat in the blink of an eye, but I can't say I was enjoying every moment. Mostly I was just trying to get through the days. I remember being like that with Ainsley, too. It just takes me awhile to settle in. I need to start getting a little bit of sleep. I need a little bit of a routine. I need to get to know this little person so I'm not always guessing at what the problem is. But after those chips fall into place, the daily joys start coming fast, and eventually most of the initial anxiety falls away.

One Week and Three Days

So our little Tuck Tuck is here. He is just the sweetest thing, mostly just a sleeper and an eater, which I suppose is true of all newborns. Of course we are in a bit of upheaval just because this baby stuff takes some getting (re-)used to, but I feel like it's somewhat easier than it was with Ains, which I suppose is true of all second babies. The sleep deprivation (OH MY GOD, THE SLEEP DEPRIVATION!!) is probably the worst part -- by like 6pm I'm just done for, which usually ends up with some bawling and clutching at my firstborn, apologizing for ruining her life. But then I get it out, and it's good. The nursing is something else, of course. He had problems latching in the hospital so the lactation consultant gave me a nipple shield to use, and then told me I have to pump every time he eats as well. We also had to supplement with this little tubey device thingy the first couple days because he was heading toward losing too much weight. So that's all been a struggle. I've tried to wean him off the shield, but he must love the thing, so we haven't had any luck yet. Between nursing and pumping I feel like a milk cow, but I've already filled a whole shelf in the freezer with extra milk, so I guess mama gets a night out in a couple of months. I did back down the pumping to four times a day, because I did a lot of research that many women who use the shields never had supply problems, even without pumping at all, so I think four is a number that will keep me sane, especially next week when Mike goes back to work and I have some days alone with both kiddos. Tucker was gaining weight at his first appointment and poops and pees a ton, so I don't think supply is an issue right now (also, we're going to have to buy a deep freeze soon if I don't simmer down). I guess if weight is an issue at his first appointment then I can always increase pumping again, but for now, this is the plan. Anyway, sorry for all the breastfeeding talk, but that is literally almost all I've been doing and thinking about. I had such a hard time with it with Ainsley that I ended up quitting after about six weeks. This time definitely isn't easier, except that I'm just determined to see it through. I'm not sure if I'll make it a whole year, but I figure if I can do it the five months before tax season starts, it'll probably be old hat by then, and easy to just ride it out.

Other than that, it hasn't been too bad of a ride. The hardest parts have probably dealt with Ainsley. I mean, I know it's hormones, and obviously everything will be fine in the long run, but at times it's been heartbreaking. The first night home Ainsley just kept coming into our room when Tucker was crying and tried to stay up and sit with me to "help", rubbing my back and trying to sleep and her little face just kept crumpling into tears because she was tired and bewildered. So I'm bawling and she's exhausted, and finally Mike just went and slept with her in her room and she was just sort of moaning "mama, mama". It was terrible. And just the feeling that I am so scared of her hurting the baby (accidentally, of course) but I'm just chirping at her all day to be careful, and don't climb near him, and be gentle. I just feel awful, and she doesn't understand why we trusted her so much before (I mean, relatively), and now we don't. And we just had such a tight little bond before, that it makes me sad that it's different now because the baby needs so much attention. But Mike keeps reminding me that this is just temporary. When I'm not having to feed and pump 800 times and day, and I'm not recovering from surgery, we can do our fun things again. And we'll have another person in our family, which I think will just make everything richer, too.

So all in all, I am a little overwhelmed, but very excited for both our present and our future. Some mornings when Ainsley has crept into our bed at dawn and I'm awake (of course!) and holding Tucker on my chest and we're all just nestled in as a family of four, I just can't believe how blessed we are.

day before

Last morning as fam of three - how are we going to fit 4 in this bed?!

So tomorrow is C-day. It's super weird knowing that we're scheduled to have a baby. I just keep staring at my belly thinking "poor kid, in XX hours you just have no idea". Imagine that shock - one day you're in this perfectly padded, temperature-controlled, dark, quiet baby hot tub, just living the life, and then you're yanked out and everything's bright and cold and loud and itchy (I would imagine clothing, in general, is rather unpleasant. I think that's why kids love to be naked. ALL THE TIME). I guess if you go through the process of birth, maybe there's some kind of trigger that prepares the kid on some primal level. Like shit just gets too squished, and you're relieved to get out. I don't know. But anyway.

So clearly I'm a little loony today. We're trying to wrap up some projects. I watered my flowers really well and trimmed some stuff in the yard. Mike washed and vacuumed the car (after cleaning like a mad man yesterday - he's a keeper). But we're sort of just wandering around weirded out. I had these dreams all night, like the kind you have right before prom or your wedding. Like you're trying to get everything ready and nothing is working. Except it was all in the surgery prep area at the hospital (except it really looked like the locker room next to a pool). They just kept getting me ready--at one point making me drink/eat Ensure poured on corn on the cob, as would be necessary before surgery-- but I could never quite get to the operating room. Unsettling.

I suppose it's just time. I am very, very excited to see what this little peanut is like, who he looks like, how he's different from his sister. I want to see how Ainsley reacts. I truly believe she will be very sweet and protective. I want to see if he looks like his daddy. I am nervous, of course, but I can't wait.

38 weeks, 1 day (but actually only 6 days to go!!)

So I have a c-section scheduled for the 16th, a mere six (SIX!) days away. I am trying my very best to be patient, enjoy my last days as a mother of one and relish in this pregnancy, as it may be my last. But JESUS MARTHA! I am finding myself teetering back and forth between some kind of zen-like confidence because I've done this before, and sheer terror at the thought of a newborn. I am so excited to create this new version of our family, but I'm so scared and sad at leaving the old one behind. It just feels so final. I've always had this skewed, screwy version of a timeline in my head, where it's difficult for me to see beyond the endings of things. Like a school year, or a week-long vacation. I just get so worked up and prepare so much, that I can't even see beyond the event. So it's weird that bringing a baby home will be WAY more of a beginning than an ending.

And yet ... I can't help but think that going from one to two will be easier in a lot of ways. I mean, not those first couple months where everything is haywire and there's no schedule and no efficiency. That is destined to be total hormone-infused chaos. But the fact that we've gone through it once, and I can hang my hat on there being a light at the end of the tunnel, that is priceless. After all, I like being Ainsley's mom so much that I'm terrified about it changing. And I certainly didn't feel like that the first few weeks after bringing her home. There's also this thing where you're already used to chaos. Even though Ains is three-and-a-half and getting to be so much easier in so many ways, it's still unpredictable and you still have a zillion things to do. And just when you think you get a phase figured out, there's a brand new scary one. Like recently with Ainsley, it's social interaction. I always felt like I was so awkward when I was young, like from a very young age. I just was so AWARE of everything going on and worried about what my playmates were feeling and trying to fit in, that I couldn't relax and just play. I mean, I remember feeling this way almost from when I can first remember. And I watch her play and I see her ticker going and I just want to take her by the shoulders and say QUIT WORRYING AND JUST PLAY!! And these kinds of things aren't like a hungry baby or a leaky diaper. These are life-long, personality-shaping interactions, and you question to your marrow if you're doing everything right by her, or if this is laying the foundation for a lifetime of screwiness. And it's scary as shit.

So you have these new, scary, older kid things, but you can't let all that just pile on and eat up your insides. So you learn to laugh it off. You look at your husband and one of you makes a joke about how maybe the other kids aren't smart enough for self-awareness or something, and you COPE. And we know how to do that now. This all doesn't feel as serious as the first time. The house isn't as clean. You don't have all the details ironed out. But you do know it's probably not the end of the world when the three year old still can't poop in the potty. Or when the newborn has funny-colored poop. Because it's your family chaos, and unlike any other family's, and your first child teaches you to embrace it. Hopefully the second will just jump on this crazy train with us. I hope he enjoys the ride.

34 weeks and a day

Oh pregnancy - why do you seem to take so long? On one hand I've been procrastinating a bunch of things having to do with the baby, so it's probably good. But MAN, am I even impatient. Patience has never been my strong suit. I think I have enough intensity to process things pretty fast, but then I'm like, 'wait, I'm (mentally) ready for this, and I'm only 20 weeks pregnant! Let's just do it already!!' Maybe it's because I'm not brave. So the only way I've ever been able to do anything new is just prepare the best I can, as fast as possible, and then jump in. Otherwise the doubt creeps in. And so I've got this whole nine months of creeping doubt. Not big doubt, just mild episodes of panic. I know it'll be fine. It'll be like with Ainsley, it's be a month or two of really tough adjustment until I figure out patterns and schedules, and then I'll feel (mostly) in control and it will start to be more fun. That's just how I roll with life changes. 

In the meantime, we've had a pretty bustling couple of weeks. Mike's been on two work trips. Ainsley and I went to a wedding out of town this weekend (my parents came as a babysitter/wedding date). It was at this campground/lodge/resort place with pools and a splash pad so Ainsley had a blast of course. The wedding was beautiful. I was a wee too pregnant to be all that fun, which is too bad because there were a few people there I used to work with - it would have been fun to let loose. But nothing you can do about that.

And then Mike's sister and mom are coming tomorrow for a couple days, with our nieces Ava and Hannah. The three girls are very close in age, so it's really special when we can all get together. We are to the point where we can't even Skype with them because Ainsley gets SO excited and just runs around all crazy and grabs all her toys to show them. It's pretty cute. Then this Saturday is my baby shower, so that will be fun too. 

So there are lots of things to take up the next few weeks. I am just taking it a week at a time, and trying to enjoy my last little bit as a mother of one fantastic kid. If this next one is one iota as cool and weird as Ainsley, then we are the luckiest people in the world. 

parenting is ...

... choosing your battles at the grocery store.

The Illusion of Balance

I guess my biggest misconception about buying this business, with it's (amazing, don't get me wrong) seasonal schedule, was that it would solve the riddle of work-life balance. But nearly two years into it, I realize that work-life balance isn't a thing. Especially not when kids are involved, but probably not for anyone.

This is illustrated perfectly on a day like today, the first day of our new daycare schedule. We had to switch to two days a week for summer, and the only option for two days a week is a Tuesday/Thursday schedule. We've been doing Monday/Wednesday/sometimes Friday since we were paying for full time anyway, so I had to change my office hours for the rest of summer as well. So what few clients I have are totally confused. I got here today (like 20 minutes late, of course, because with the new schedule came a new teacher and new room and new instructions, etc., which made drop-off a 30 minute thing). Anyway, there were people waiting at the door, which makes me feel terrible. And I am following in the footsteps of a previous owner who was here four or five days a week, 10 hours a day. She had a bookkeeping business as well, so there was much more work to do, but still clients were used to being able to stop in pretty much anytime. So it's difficult. It doesn't make economic sense to be open all the time, nor is it very efficient in the off-season, but this is a pretty old-school area where peeps just like to drop by, so I can see it's detrimental when we're closed three days a week. I just haven't quite figured out how to make everybody happy. But then I have always been a pleaser, and have a tendency to feel like I am disappointing everybody.

But I am thankful so for so many parts of this set up--I have more time for my kids where I'm not always distracted by work. I am able to pull my weight financially in our household and feel some professional fulfillment. But I guess my point is that it's definitely not perfect, because maybe nothing is. The disparity of being home more versus Mike continuing to work 60 hour work weeks is tough as well. Before, we could just be equal-ish in the household duties. Now I have so much more time than he does to do things at home and with Ains, it's tough not to feel put out sometimes, like I'm doing everything. And it's a slippery slope, because I have so much more time at home and I am a control freak, it just gets to the point where it's easier to do everything rather than wait for him to do it. But none of that is his fault.

I guess we're like everyone else. You just do the best you can. You realize that raising humans is hard, because they have free will and life is unpredictable. It's a lot of work, no matter how your time is split between work and home.

waiting

Today is the kind of between-seasons weather that makes me feel unsettled. It's in the fifties but it's completely cloudy, but it's not raining and it's weirdly muggy. Just be crisp like spring, or be cathartic and rain, or smother us with summer. This feels like ... purgatory.

I think I'm just tired. Like literally, obviously. I'm on an every other day schedule where I just sleep like holy hell one night, and then the next I sleep great because I'm so tired out from the night before. Pregnancy is hell on good sleep. I don't know - somebody explain how you REALLY sleep when you pee 15 times a night. That combined with musical beds and couches to try and stay sleeping on my side and get Ainsley to stay in her bed and whatever else. Ech.

I suppose I'm emotionally tired as well. Just stress - money and insurance and the business and waiting for this kid to be born and Ainsley's well being and run-of-the-mill stuff. But then bigger, broader things are harder to stop worrying about - getting older, the state of the American middle class, something BIG BAD happening, cancer. It doesn't seem to matter, I can't prioritize the things I should be worrying about in my hormonal state. It all seems equal, somehow. I honestly hope it's hormones. I am prone to this kind of senseless anxiety, but have developed a lot of tactics in the last few years to try and deal with everything. And they worked well, actually. Even now, I don't feel crappy every day or anything. But about every third day it's just this wash of overwhelmed mom brain. I just hope it doesn't mean that I'm going to go all post-partem after the baby is born. That's no fun for anyone. I was nuts with Ainsley, but only for like a month. I think I was just regulating. The funny part is, the baby is the bright spot, despite being the biggest single change. I am overwhelmed with how our family will change, and I want him to be healthy obviously, but at least with a new life there's hope. And I will be so consumed that all this other stuff just won't seem as insurmountable.

And it just gave up and started raining. Like for real. So there's that.

trial and error

We had a baby shower at the wine bar today, and it was actually totally cute and fun. I'm having mine there next month, and it seems weird because of the drinking thing, but it'll be the third one so far this summer/spring. It's kind of nice to have a little wine or whatever for the attendees, and the atmosphere is laid back, so I think it's a perfect place.

I actually volunteered to make cupcakes and was totally out of my depth, so it was a little touch-and-go last night for a few hours. I always eff up cupcakes because our house is up high enough that I should follow the high altitude directions, but somehow when I bake I totally blank every time and have cupcake explosions. And then I was going to paint little baby feet on circles of sugar paper, but they looked more like creepy bigfoot feet, so I had to reassess at like 9:30 p.m. Anyway, all said and done I just went with something generic and made some marshmallow fondant quick (surprisingly easy and way cheaper and better-tasting than store bought). Luckily I had little
flower cookie cutters from Ainsley's birthday cake lying around. It was a good learning experience, but I would be a long way from a side business (although I think there's a hole in the market in this town, after researching for our other baby shower group). I would have to practice, practice, practice. And make sure that that it's possible to make any money - even store-bought ingredients added up to a lot for this project. But it is very zen, so you never know. It would be a good thing to do in the off-season, because you wouldn't have to have a store front and all that. Although that would be fun, too.

So anyway, that was most of my weekend. Mike painted a couple walls in the living room our new grayish green color, and it's very calming. I can't wait to tackle the apricot orange kitchen. I've been staring at that color for three years hating on it (our living/kitchen/dining area is one big room) so I'm happy we're finally biting the bullet. Who said this crazy-ass pregnancy nesting isn't good for something.

productive

The hardest thing for me when tax season-- and thus its full time hours-- ends, is feeling productive every day. The funny thing is, on my two days a week at the office I have no problem feeling productive, even if I just do crap things, like wikipedia the casts of TV shows and/or scary medical disorders. But the days when I stay home are different. I think it's like a working hangover, since that's all I ever did since college ended. I feel guilty on the "home" days. It's like there's a disconnect of the fact that I have a three year old, so pretty much just making sure she gets what she needs plus laundry and picking up and all that jazz is PLENTY to get done by itself in a day. But I still feel a need to do projects. This is a lifelong illness that stems from my perfectionist side, I suppose. Plus I am a fairly strong INTJ, which besides making me slightly insane, means I need to DO as a means to closure and organization and systems and structures. This serves me well in the work world, but can sometimes be a little exhausting at home.

So, citing my multiple (hormone-related?) breakdowns in the last couple weeks, I have been trying to keep it all in perspective and just get some things done. Like, keep it within reasonable limits. And if I start to feel manic, I just take a breath. Like yesterday ...

Things I got done:
- Went shopping for flowers for pots. I let Ainsley pick out everything (I mean, I sort of pointed her to the ones that I have had the most success in not killing). We bought way too much.
- Planted everything.
- Bought chicken wire at the farm supply store for a little craft project. It was a calculated risk since entering that place means AT LEAST 45 minutes for Ainsley to properly bond with and then say goodbye to the baby chicks and ducks. Also had to dodge comments like "I wish I could take home a chick!" But, she also said "I wish I could have a house like that!" when she noticed the Gorga's giant New Jersey mansion on Real Housewives the other night ... better get this kid used to disappointment now.
- Made dinner and rhubarb crisp, despite that fact that just that morning I put put a baking embargo into effect. Pregnancy hormones be damned. Didn't last long, apparently.
- That's really it. The house is kind of a mess, and I didn't work on any nursery projects. I just let it all slide.

Things I didn't do:
- Dishes. At all. My poor husband got to do them after work, which is kind of the deal, but I feel bad since it was like a day and a half of pile up.
- Laundry - well, I did half-assedly start a load but never moved it to the dryer.
- Nap. Ok, I DID nap. But it's kind of a "didn't do" since I didn't do anything else during. It's tough to get Ainsley down at home, even though she still takes naps at school every day that she goes. So when she went down I thought, what the hell, might as well sleep while I can.
- Shower. This is nothing new on days at home. I stopped washing my hair every day about a year ago so it doesn't get so dry and brittle. Which has done wonders for my hair, but not such wonders for my personal hygiene. There's just too little incentive. I did crack at about 8pm last night, though, after a day of playing in the dirt and being hot and gross.

So here's to turning over a new leaf ... or not really. We'll see if I feel like it, or if I can just save it for another day.

For all the muthas

 Yesterday was Mother's Day, and a divinely relaxing one. It was also the first one that Ainsley kind of understood. All week whenever someone mentioned it she'd spill the beans and say "mom, I made you a mother's day card!" (at school). Then when she and Mike brought me some daisies and a card first thing in the morning, she said "Mama - Happy, um ... Dad, what is it again?" It was pretty cute. As with most Mother's Days celebrations, the orchestration fell mostly to daddy in our house, who made a scrumptious brunch for our family and my parents, and even vacuumed before they came over. Then we just sat on the porch and talked and drank coffee and enjoyed the sunshine.

I kind of feel like Mother's Day is one of those great holidays where the prep isn't so overwhelming - it's just a nice excuse to get together with family and relax. Maybe I just feel that way because I'm a mother. :) I did like seeing all my mama-friends' posts on Facebook, too. Say what you will about my generation (and it remains to be seen if our kids will all grow up into whiny, attached, spoiled crybabies) but I just get this sense that all the moms I know are overwhelmingly grateful for what they have, despite how tough it can be. Not that mothers haven't always loved their children, but it's just heartwarming to see it public, in writing.

Anyway, after brunch we took advantage of my dad and had him help carry in the new dresser Mike has been finishing for the nursery redux. It's whitewashed and pretty, and thankfully large enough to fit two kids' stuff into, which was kind of the point since they'll have to share a room for awhile. I felt bad rearranging Ainsley's personal space though, and she seemed a little wierded out. But I think it'll be cute when we're done. A little cramped, which may not jive with my kid's newly-emerging hoarder tendencies, but it'll be a good reminder to pare down all the crap we seem to accumulate. I think I can make it functional, too. It's a little tougher with the boy/girl shared room thing, but luckily it's already painted a soft green, so we've been having good luck finding that color in boy stuff, too. Up this week, I need to figure out what to put on the walls to sort of differentiate the two halves of the room. I'll have to post some pictures when I'm done - I've been all pregnancy-crazy-brain over this project for months, so it will be a relief to have it finished and then get to relax(ish) for the last six weeks or so.

That's a picture of a modified bellini at the left (I think traditionally it's peach puree or juice and prosecco - these were just whole canned peaches and juice). We're putting them on the menu at the wine bar soon, as part of a more summery revamp, so of course we had to try them out. Mine was pretty much just peaches and orange juice on account of the bun, but I had a few sips of a real one and it was delish. I'm not gonna lie, I am looking forward to a good glass of something in two months.

Anyway, this was kind of a rambling post, but I slept like hell (on account of the two hour nap I got to take as the other part of my mother's day present ... so I'm not complaining) and I'm kind of trying to get warmed up here. Peace out!

'Bout that time again

I think last year I started posting again around this time. Tax season ends and I start to go a little schitzo staying at home most days, so this is a good outlet. I'm sure once things get busy this will all go by the wayside again, but it'll be fun while it lasts.

Mostly, though, I am almost 30 weeks into PREGGERS PROJECT THE SEQUEL and I did manage to capture a little of the just-pre and just-post time with Ainsley. It would be nice to do the same for baby two. Especially since I'm not fabulous at baby books and the like.

So where to even start? Of course having another kid is the biggest thing turning us topsy turvy right now. Although it is much less nuts than the first time because we know a little bit of what to expect, it is also scarier in some ways (way shittier health insurance is a bummer - but at least we have some, fitting a new person into our already-established family, worries about how Ains will do). But obviously we are very excited. Ainsley is probably the most excited, although I'm not sure she knows that the baby will come out a baby, and not a three-year-old. But I have no doubt she will grow into being an amazing big sister and a very good helper for mama.

Speaking of Ainsley, she has turned into quite the big girl. She turned three in March and I am constantly astounded at her language prowess, creativity and ability to play pretend. She has a great sense of humor and boundless energy. She continues to have a pretty pronounced intensity, but I see her channeling it in more constructive ways already. And hey, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, so we are definitely similar that way ... while I don't always have patience for it, I'm am sympathetic. I am very proud of her.

So anyway, I obviously have a lot more to catch up on, but I can do it bit by bit. It'll give me something to do for the next 10 weeks. In the meantime, cleaned out my phone, here are some pics ...