So our little Tuck Tuck is here. He is just the sweetest thing, mostly just a sleeper and an eater, which I suppose is true of all newborns. Of course we are in a bit of upheaval just because this baby stuff takes some getting (re-)used to, but I feel like it's somewhat easier than it was with Ains, which I suppose is true of all second babies. The sleep deprivation (OH MY GOD, THE SLEEP DEPRIVATION!!) is probably the worst part -- by like 6pm I'm just done for, which usually ends up with some bawling and clutching at my firstborn, apologizing for ruining her life. But then I get it out, and it's good. The nursing is something else, of course. He had problems latching in the hospital so the lactation consultant gave me a nipple shield to use, and then told me I have to pump every time he eats as well. We also had to supplement with this little tubey device thingy the first couple days because he was heading toward losing too much weight. So that's all been a struggle. I've tried to wean him off the shield, but he must love the thing, so we haven't had any luck yet. Between nursing and pumping I feel like a milk cow, but I've already filled a whole shelf in the freezer with extra milk, so I guess mama gets a night out in a couple of months. I did back down the pumping to four times a day, because I did a lot of research that many women who use the shields never had supply problems, even without pumping at all, so I think four is a number that will keep me sane, especially next week when Mike goes back to work and I have some days alone with both kiddos. Tucker was gaining weight at his first appointment and poops and pees a ton, so I don't think supply is an issue right now (also, we're going to have to buy a deep freeze soon if I don't simmer down). I guess if weight is an issue at his first appointment then I can always increase pumping again, but for now, this is the plan. Anyway, sorry for all the breastfeeding talk, but that is literally almost all I've been doing and thinking about. I had such a hard time with it with Ainsley that I ended up quitting after about six weeks. This time definitely isn't easier, except that I'm just determined to see it through. I'm not sure if I'll make it a whole year, but I figure if I can do it the five months before tax season starts, it'll probably be old hat by then, and easy to just ride it out.
Other than that, it hasn't been too bad of a ride. The hardest parts have probably dealt with Ainsley. I mean, I know it's hormones, and obviously everything will be fine in the long run, but at times it's been heartbreaking. The first night home Ainsley just kept coming into our room when Tucker was crying and tried to stay up and sit with me to "help", rubbing my back and trying to sleep and her little face just kept crumpling into tears because she was tired and bewildered. So I'm bawling and she's exhausted, and finally Mike just went and slept with her in her room and she was just sort of moaning "mama, mama". It was terrible. And just the feeling that I am so scared of her hurting the baby (accidentally, of course) but I'm just chirping at her all day to be careful, and don't climb near him, and be gentle. I just feel awful, and she doesn't understand why we trusted her so much before (I mean, relatively), and now we don't. And we just had such a tight little bond before, that it makes me sad that it's different now because the baby needs so much attention. But Mike keeps reminding me that this is just temporary. When I'm not having to feed and pump 800 times and day, and I'm not recovering from surgery, we can do our fun things again. And we'll have another person in our family, which I think will just make everything richer, too.
So all in all, I am a little overwhelmed, but very excited for both our present and our future. Some mornings when Ainsley has crept into our bed at dawn and I'm awake (of course!) and holding Tucker on my chest and we're all just nestled in as a family of four, I just can't believe how blessed we are.
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