The Illusion of Balance

I guess my biggest misconception about buying this business, with it's (amazing, don't get me wrong) seasonal schedule, was that it would solve the riddle of work-life balance. But nearly two years into it, I realize that work-life balance isn't a thing. Especially not when kids are involved, but probably not for anyone.

This is illustrated perfectly on a day like today, the first day of our new daycare schedule. We had to switch to two days a week for summer, and the only option for two days a week is a Tuesday/Thursday schedule. We've been doing Monday/Wednesday/sometimes Friday since we were paying for full time anyway, so I had to change my office hours for the rest of summer as well. So what few clients I have are totally confused. I got here today (like 20 minutes late, of course, because with the new schedule came a new teacher and new room and new instructions, etc., which made drop-off a 30 minute thing). Anyway, there were people waiting at the door, which makes me feel terrible. And I am following in the footsteps of a previous owner who was here four or five days a week, 10 hours a day. She had a bookkeeping business as well, so there was much more work to do, but still clients were used to being able to stop in pretty much anytime. So it's difficult. It doesn't make economic sense to be open all the time, nor is it very efficient in the off-season, but this is a pretty old-school area where peeps just like to drop by, so I can see it's detrimental when we're closed three days a week. I just haven't quite figured out how to make everybody happy. But then I have always been a pleaser, and have a tendency to feel like I am disappointing everybody.

But I am thankful so for so many parts of this set up--I have more time for my kids where I'm not always distracted by work. I am able to pull my weight financially in our household and feel some professional fulfillment. But I guess my point is that it's definitely not perfect, because maybe nothing is. The disparity of being home more versus Mike continuing to work 60 hour work weeks is tough as well. Before, we could just be equal-ish in the household duties. Now I have so much more time than he does to do things at home and with Ains, it's tough not to feel put out sometimes, like I'm doing everything. And it's a slippery slope, because I have so much more time at home and I am a control freak, it just gets to the point where it's easier to do everything rather than wait for him to do it. But none of that is his fault.

I guess we're like everyone else. You just do the best you can. You realize that raising humans is hard, because they have free will and life is unpredictable. It's a lot of work, no matter how your time is split between work and home.

waiting

Today is the kind of between-seasons weather that makes me feel unsettled. It's in the fifties but it's completely cloudy, but it's not raining and it's weirdly muggy. Just be crisp like spring, or be cathartic and rain, or smother us with summer. This feels like ... purgatory.

I think I'm just tired. Like literally, obviously. I'm on an every other day schedule where I just sleep like holy hell one night, and then the next I sleep great because I'm so tired out from the night before. Pregnancy is hell on good sleep. I don't know - somebody explain how you REALLY sleep when you pee 15 times a night. That combined with musical beds and couches to try and stay sleeping on my side and get Ainsley to stay in her bed and whatever else. Ech.

I suppose I'm emotionally tired as well. Just stress - money and insurance and the business and waiting for this kid to be born and Ainsley's well being and run-of-the-mill stuff. But then bigger, broader things are harder to stop worrying about - getting older, the state of the American middle class, something BIG BAD happening, cancer. It doesn't seem to matter, I can't prioritize the things I should be worrying about in my hormonal state. It all seems equal, somehow. I honestly hope it's hormones. I am prone to this kind of senseless anxiety, but have developed a lot of tactics in the last few years to try and deal with everything. And they worked well, actually. Even now, I don't feel crappy every day or anything. But about every third day it's just this wash of overwhelmed mom brain. I just hope it doesn't mean that I'm going to go all post-partem after the baby is born. That's no fun for anyone. I was nuts with Ainsley, but only for like a month. I think I was just regulating. The funny part is, the baby is the bright spot, despite being the biggest single change. I am overwhelmed with how our family will change, and I want him to be healthy obviously, but at least with a new life there's hope. And I will be so consumed that all this other stuff just won't seem as insurmountable.

And it just gave up and started raining. Like for real. So there's that.

trial and error

We had a baby shower at the wine bar today, and it was actually totally cute and fun. I'm having mine there next month, and it seems weird because of the drinking thing, but it'll be the third one so far this summer/spring. It's kind of nice to have a little wine or whatever for the attendees, and the atmosphere is laid back, so I think it's a perfect place.

I actually volunteered to make cupcakes and was totally out of my depth, so it was a little touch-and-go last night for a few hours. I always eff up cupcakes because our house is up high enough that I should follow the high altitude directions, but somehow when I bake I totally blank every time and have cupcake explosions. And then I was going to paint little baby feet on circles of sugar paper, but they looked more like creepy bigfoot feet, so I had to reassess at like 9:30 p.m. Anyway, all said and done I just went with something generic and made some marshmallow fondant quick (surprisingly easy and way cheaper and better-tasting than store bought). Luckily I had little
flower cookie cutters from Ainsley's birthday cake lying around. It was a good learning experience, but I would be a long way from a side business (although I think there's a hole in the market in this town, after researching for our other baby shower group). I would have to practice, practice, practice. And make sure that that it's possible to make any money - even store-bought ingredients added up to a lot for this project. But it is very zen, so you never know. It would be a good thing to do in the off-season, because you wouldn't have to have a store front and all that. Although that would be fun, too.

So anyway, that was most of my weekend. Mike painted a couple walls in the living room our new grayish green color, and it's very calming. I can't wait to tackle the apricot orange kitchen. I've been staring at that color for three years hating on it (our living/kitchen/dining area is one big room) so I'm happy we're finally biting the bullet. Who said this crazy-ass pregnancy nesting isn't good for something.

productive

The hardest thing for me when tax season-- and thus its full time hours-- ends, is feeling productive every day. The funny thing is, on my two days a week at the office I have no problem feeling productive, even if I just do crap things, like wikipedia the casts of TV shows and/or scary medical disorders. But the days when I stay home are different. I think it's like a working hangover, since that's all I ever did since college ended. I feel guilty on the "home" days. It's like there's a disconnect of the fact that I have a three year old, so pretty much just making sure she gets what she needs plus laundry and picking up and all that jazz is PLENTY to get done by itself in a day. But I still feel a need to do projects. This is a lifelong illness that stems from my perfectionist side, I suppose. Plus I am a fairly strong INTJ, which besides making me slightly insane, means I need to DO as a means to closure and organization and systems and structures. This serves me well in the work world, but can sometimes be a little exhausting at home.

So, citing my multiple (hormone-related?) breakdowns in the last couple weeks, I have been trying to keep it all in perspective and just get some things done. Like, keep it within reasonable limits. And if I start to feel manic, I just take a breath. Like yesterday ...

Things I got done:
- Went shopping for flowers for pots. I let Ainsley pick out everything (I mean, I sort of pointed her to the ones that I have had the most success in not killing). We bought way too much.
- Planted everything.
- Bought chicken wire at the farm supply store for a little craft project. It was a calculated risk since entering that place means AT LEAST 45 minutes for Ainsley to properly bond with and then say goodbye to the baby chicks and ducks. Also had to dodge comments like "I wish I could take home a chick!" But, she also said "I wish I could have a house like that!" when she noticed the Gorga's giant New Jersey mansion on Real Housewives the other night ... better get this kid used to disappointment now.
- Made dinner and rhubarb crisp, despite that fact that just that morning I put put a baking embargo into effect. Pregnancy hormones be damned. Didn't last long, apparently.
- That's really it. The house is kind of a mess, and I didn't work on any nursery projects. I just let it all slide.

Things I didn't do:
- Dishes. At all. My poor husband got to do them after work, which is kind of the deal, but I feel bad since it was like a day and a half of pile up.
- Laundry - well, I did half-assedly start a load but never moved it to the dryer.
- Nap. Ok, I DID nap. But it's kind of a "didn't do" since I didn't do anything else during. It's tough to get Ainsley down at home, even though she still takes naps at school every day that she goes. So when she went down I thought, what the hell, might as well sleep while I can.
- Shower. This is nothing new on days at home. I stopped washing my hair every day about a year ago so it doesn't get so dry and brittle. Which has done wonders for my hair, but not such wonders for my personal hygiene. There's just too little incentive. I did crack at about 8pm last night, though, after a day of playing in the dirt and being hot and gross.

So here's to turning over a new leaf ... or not really. We'll see if I feel like it, or if I can just save it for another day.

For all the muthas

 Yesterday was Mother's Day, and a divinely relaxing one. It was also the first one that Ainsley kind of understood. All week whenever someone mentioned it she'd spill the beans and say "mom, I made you a mother's day card!" (at school). Then when she and Mike brought me some daisies and a card first thing in the morning, she said "Mama - Happy, um ... Dad, what is it again?" It was pretty cute. As with most Mother's Days celebrations, the orchestration fell mostly to daddy in our house, who made a scrumptious brunch for our family and my parents, and even vacuumed before they came over. Then we just sat on the porch and talked and drank coffee and enjoyed the sunshine.

I kind of feel like Mother's Day is one of those great holidays where the prep isn't so overwhelming - it's just a nice excuse to get together with family and relax. Maybe I just feel that way because I'm a mother. :) I did like seeing all my mama-friends' posts on Facebook, too. Say what you will about my generation (and it remains to be seen if our kids will all grow up into whiny, attached, spoiled crybabies) but I just get this sense that all the moms I know are overwhelmingly grateful for what they have, despite how tough it can be. Not that mothers haven't always loved their children, but it's just heartwarming to see it public, in writing.

Anyway, after brunch we took advantage of my dad and had him help carry in the new dresser Mike has been finishing for the nursery redux. It's whitewashed and pretty, and thankfully large enough to fit two kids' stuff into, which was kind of the point since they'll have to share a room for awhile. I felt bad rearranging Ainsley's personal space though, and she seemed a little wierded out. But I think it'll be cute when we're done. A little cramped, which may not jive with my kid's newly-emerging hoarder tendencies, but it'll be a good reminder to pare down all the crap we seem to accumulate. I think I can make it functional, too. It's a little tougher with the boy/girl shared room thing, but luckily it's already painted a soft green, so we've been having good luck finding that color in boy stuff, too. Up this week, I need to figure out what to put on the walls to sort of differentiate the two halves of the room. I'll have to post some pictures when I'm done - I've been all pregnancy-crazy-brain over this project for months, so it will be a relief to have it finished and then get to relax(ish) for the last six weeks or so.

That's a picture of a modified bellini at the left (I think traditionally it's peach puree or juice and prosecco - these were just whole canned peaches and juice). We're putting them on the menu at the wine bar soon, as part of a more summery revamp, so of course we had to try them out. Mine was pretty much just peaches and orange juice on account of the bun, but I had a few sips of a real one and it was delish. I'm not gonna lie, I am looking forward to a good glass of something in two months.

Anyway, this was kind of a rambling post, but I slept like hell (on account of the two hour nap I got to take as the other part of my mother's day present ... so I'm not complaining) and I'm kind of trying to get warmed up here. Peace out!

'Bout that time again

I think last year I started posting again around this time. Tax season ends and I start to go a little schitzo staying at home most days, so this is a good outlet. I'm sure once things get busy this will all go by the wayside again, but it'll be fun while it lasts.

Mostly, though, I am almost 30 weeks into PREGGERS PROJECT THE SEQUEL and I did manage to capture a little of the just-pre and just-post time with Ainsley. It would be nice to do the same for baby two. Especially since I'm not fabulous at baby books and the like.

So where to even start? Of course having another kid is the biggest thing turning us topsy turvy right now. Although it is much less nuts than the first time because we know a little bit of what to expect, it is also scarier in some ways (way shittier health insurance is a bummer - but at least we have some, fitting a new person into our already-established family, worries about how Ains will do). But obviously we are very excited. Ainsley is probably the most excited, although I'm not sure she knows that the baby will come out a baby, and not a three-year-old. But I have no doubt she will grow into being an amazing big sister and a very good helper for mama.

Speaking of Ainsley, she has turned into quite the big girl. She turned three in March and I am constantly astounded at her language prowess, creativity and ability to play pretend. She has a great sense of humor and boundless energy. She continues to have a pretty pronounced intensity, but I see her channeling it in more constructive ways already. And hey, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, so we are definitely similar that way ... while I don't always have patience for it, I'm am sympathetic. I am very proud of her.

So anyway, I obviously have a lot more to catch up on, but I can do it bit by bit. It'll give me something to do for the next 10 weeks. In the meantime, cleaned out my phone, here are some pics ...