oink

I am just uggers today. Last night my sister called me to say the wedding pictures are posted on the photographer's site. So I looked through all 800 of them and there were LOTS of beautiful, lovely, breathtaking ones ... but also lots of gross ones of myself. They have become less grotesque with each of my subsequent nine viewings, and clearly this event was not about me looking good, but it's just not super fun. For most of my twenties, especially after having Ainsley, I have managed to avoid being in many photos for the reason that I find the outcome pretty repulsive. They bring to light a lot of things I like to ignore, like the 30 pounds I have packed through a myriad of things over the last eight years--creeping toward 30, sitting at computers 45+ hours a week, succumbing to the familial "fat gene", having a baby and actually, um, eating stuff. Even when I was younger and a billion times more attractive, I still used to rip up all the nasty photos as soon as I got the roll of film back. Isn't that crazy? Clearly. But sometimes I also think we are over-documented as a society (which is kind of counter-intuitive to having a blog and facebook account, but do as I say and not as I do). There's a great part of Tina Fey's new book that talks about how women used to be either attractive or not, and if not, you learned a trade. Now you're expected to MAKE yourself more attractive. Then there are a billion pictures of you out there, NOT looking like a Kardashian, to show you just how miserably you are failing at it. And for women, all the things you are doing well in your life--your smart and healthy kid, your career, your friendships, your hobbies, your home--are completely wiped out when you look like Miss Piggy in your sister's wedding photos. Maybe that's just me, I have always been hard on myself in this department. When job and family took up the energy I used to spend running and not eating more than 5 fat grams in a day and making myself throw up Taco Bell, my body just revolted ... and EXPLODED. And I am not a dumb girl, but in all these years I haven't figured out how to eat stuff and not be a little bit fat. I just wish it didn't bother me so much, because I should be better than that. I guess we all should.