I love this boy

Oh sweet Tucker - you will be one year old tomorrow. What joy and humor you've brought to our little family. You are so much like your sister-- bright, intense, observant -- and so much different, too. When you are tired, sick or sad, the whole world feels cloudy. When you are happy (which is most of the time), you are the sun. One year went by in a blink, and I can't wait for the milestones coming up in the next year. I love you little boy - happy birthday!

I hope

My heart is broken, along with countless others in our country, over the school shooting in Connecticut. Along with so many other parents, I have been dutifully taking my little ones to their daycare center this week, when I really want to stay home, lock all the doors and hug them all day. But we must go on.

I hope the families of those twenty beautiful babies find some semblance of peace. I hope the families of the administrators and teachers find solace in the selflessness and bravery shown by their loved ones. I hope the brother and father of the shooter are shown grace. I hope our country can use this unspeakable tragedy as an opportunity for coming together and healing, instead of fracturing further. I hope our leaders strive to make common sense improvements to our gun laws and mental health resources. 

But mostly, I hope this never, ever happens again.   

Thankful

So I keep meaning to do that Thanksvember thing on Facebook where you post what you're thankful for each day (because I always need help in the gratitude department). But, alas, it is now the 12th and the catch up seems a little overwhelming, so I'll just put a few things on here each week. 

1) My two beautiful kids. They totally turned my life topsy turvy and I wouldn't trade them for anything. Even on the most exasperating days, I still can't image life without them, not even for a second. It would be flat and colorless. They are my heart and soul, and I hope if I teach them nothing else, they know they are loved to the ends of the universe and back, unconditionally.

2) My husband. As we look at starting our second decade together, I can honestly say I have never loved him more. Each life challenge only serves to reinforce that when we were just young lovestruck pups, I couldn't have made a better decision in picking a life partner and father for my children.

3) Our extended families and friends. When we're at these huge family gatherings, or trekking across some snowbound state for the holidays, or there's a massive response to some silly Facebook picture I posted, all I can think is I hope my kids know how lucky they are to have this network of support. Some people have nobody to turn to in hard times. We have more people than I can even count, who I have no doubt would be there in a blink if we needed help. And I hope they know we would do the same.

fear

I hope that writing about this will be therapeutic. It's worth a shot.

So it's probably no secret based on my previous posts, but I am sort of an anxiety-driven person. When I am "handling" it, I can sort of ratchet it down to a livable level. The older I get, the more I can reign it in. I have developed some cognitive and physical ways of tempering it as well. In some ways it has been responsible for many of the good things in my life. It rarely lets me drop the ball. It has helped me be someone that can be counted on, both professional and personally. But during life changing events, happy or sad, it can grow and be a bit debilitating. Having a baby falls into that category, for sure. I am surprised, I guess, because I expected it to be better this time around. We knew what to expect, so I thought it would be easy. Well, it hasn't been. But it's getting better. This is about the same time it got better when we had Ainsley, as well. Around three to four months postpartum I start to get my wits about me. I think it has a lot to do with getting more sleep, getting the baby on a schedule and getting some organization and systems in place. So there are very good days, and some so-so days, mixed in with way fewer rough ones.

So that's good.

But there's this whole other dark side to my anxiety that I'm having troubles kicking lately. I think it has to do with nursing, indirectly. I spend a lot of time on my iPhone when I nurse. And I'm somewhat of a news junky. And the news lately has just felt, well, bad. There was the abduction and murder of Jessica Ridgeway in Colorado. And the nanny murder in New York. And countless others, both recent and long since passed, that get dredged up to fill the news cycle. And I just get wound up and sick about it all.

And I am not delusional. It's not that I think there is a rampant epidemic of random violence or child abductions. I think we just hear about it all more. But it is just so terrifying.

I think Ainsley's age is part of it, too. She is getting more and more independent, and we will increasingly have to entrust other adults with her safety. I do trust her daycare completely, I really do. And she's never with anyone else besides her parents or grandparents (maybe an auntie occasionally, but they don't live close), and I trust these people implicitly. But it won't be long before she starts grade school, and then we move into the territory of sleepovers and coaches and bus rides. And I know I can be diligent, but I can't keep her in a bubble. And then there's Tuck - just three months old. I am even uneasy leaving him at daycare, and it's not that I don't trust our facility. It's just that he's so helpless. And there's nothing I can do that will 100% protect either of these kids from the evils of the world. And that's just impossible to process at the moment. So the result is anxiety. Stay-awake-at-night anxiety. So the day-to-day stuff feels better, and calmer, but the intangible is still sort of a mess.

So I suppose I will take it a day at a time. That's all you can really do. I need to realize I can only control my actions, but I cannot control the outside world, as scare as that is. I need to take solace in the fact that there is overwhelming probability that we'll all be just fine. And I need to get the hell off my phone.

3 months, 1 day

Yesterday was Tucker's three month birthday, if there is such a thing. Me-oh-my these months have flown by. I had no idea how little free time you had with two kids, although it is getting a little better now that nursing is calming down a bit (like every three hours, instead of every 90 minutes). Plus Tuck is getting to the point where he can just sit and watch what's going on around him, instead of needing to be held every minute. And he loves it. I think he's our little hoot owl--just taking it all in with those big blues (Yes, blue!).

I also just starting him to daycare two days a week so I can get things going for tax season. It was nice bonding time bringing him to the office with me, but no so productive. So it's crazy fitting it into two days a week, but it's nice feeling like I'm not doing both things--hanging with baby and working--halfway. That was more of a source of stress than I realized, I think.

Other than the crazy amount of chores that come with my two rascals, life is really good. We are settling into kind of a routine on days home. I am doing my best to keep up with Ainsley and plan activities now that the weather is turning colder. She is a ball of energy, that one. And so sassy! It's like her creativity and compassion and curiosity are huge, and her sass has kept pace. I suppose it's a way of feeling out her independence (of which there appears to be no shortage). But she is just such a cool kid. And she loves her brother. We moved his carseat into the middle of the backseat so my mother-in-law could fit in our car, and Ainsley just tickles and talks to him the whole time we go anywhere. And wipes his drool (of which there appears to be no shortage).

And Tucker. He's just a sweetie pie, and so mellow. He's started sleeping from about 11:00 to 6:00 most nights, sometimes longer. And I lean over to get him out of bed and it's just never ending smiles. Sometimes I'm afraid he's not eating enough because I'm not sure he'd even complain about it (Mike thinks I'm crazy to think that, as both the chub on this kid, and the mustard poops, are abundant).

The whole family-of-four thing overall - it really is a great feeling. I mean, I have my spaz attack moments. The twenty minutes before we have to leave the house for anything are never my finest. But really I feel so blessed. It's funny - I take so long to adjust to these things. I obviously loved Tucker when he was born, and would have gone feral on any threat in the blink of an eye, but I can't say I was enjoying every moment. Mostly I was just trying to get through the days. I remember being like that with Ainsley, too. It just takes me awhile to settle in. I need to start getting a little bit of sleep. I need a little bit of a routine. I need to get to know this little person so I'm not always guessing at what the problem is. But after those chips fall into place, the daily joys start coming fast, and eventually most of the initial anxiety falls away.

One Week and Three Days

So our little Tuck Tuck is here. He is just the sweetest thing, mostly just a sleeper and an eater, which I suppose is true of all newborns. Of course we are in a bit of upheaval just because this baby stuff takes some getting (re-)used to, but I feel like it's somewhat easier than it was with Ains, which I suppose is true of all second babies. The sleep deprivation (OH MY GOD, THE SLEEP DEPRIVATION!!) is probably the worst part -- by like 6pm I'm just done for, which usually ends up with some bawling and clutching at my firstborn, apologizing for ruining her life. But then I get it out, and it's good. The nursing is something else, of course. He had problems latching in the hospital so the lactation consultant gave me a nipple shield to use, and then told me I have to pump every time he eats as well. We also had to supplement with this little tubey device thingy the first couple days because he was heading toward losing too much weight. So that's all been a struggle. I've tried to wean him off the shield, but he must love the thing, so we haven't had any luck yet. Between nursing and pumping I feel like a milk cow, but I've already filled a whole shelf in the freezer with extra milk, so I guess mama gets a night out in a couple of months. I did back down the pumping to four times a day, because I did a lot of research that many women who use the shields never had supply problems, even without pumping at all, so I think four is a number that will keep me sane, especially next week when Mike goes back to work and I have some days alone with both kiddos. Tucker was gaining weight at his first appointment and poops and pees a ton, so I don't think supply is an issue right now (also, we're going to have to buy a deep freeze soon if I don't simmer down). I guess if weight is an issue at his first appointment then I can always increase pumping again, but for now, this is the plan. Anyway, sorry for all the breastfeeding talk, but that is literally almost all I've been doing and thinking about. I had such a hard time with it with Ainsley that I ended up quitting after about six weeks. This time definitely isn't easier, except that I'm just determined to see it through. I'm not sure if I'll make it a whole year, but I figure if I can do it the five months before tax season starts, it'll probably be old hat by then, and easy to just ride it out.

Other than that, it hasn't been too bad of a ride. The hardest parts have probably dealt with Ainsley. I mean, I know it's hormones, and obviously everything will be fine in the long run, but at times it's been heartbreaking. The first night home Ainsley just kept coming into our room when Tucker was crying and tried to stay up and sit with me to "help", rubbing my back and trying to sleep and her little face just kept crumpling into tears because she was tired and bewildered. So I'm bawling and she's exhausted, and finally Mike just went and slept with her in her room and she was just sort of moaning "mama, mama". It was terrible. And just the feeling that I am so scared of her hurting the baby (accidentally, of course) but I'm just chirping at her all day to be careful, and don't climb near him, and be gentle. I just feel awful, and she doesn't understand why we trusted her so much before (I mean, relatively), and now we don't. And we just had such a tight little bond before, that it makes me sad that it's different now because the baby needs so much attention. But Mike keeps reminding me that this is just temporary. When I'm not having to feed and pump 800 times and day, and I'm not recovering from surgery, we can do our fun things again. And we'll have another person in our family, which I think will just make everything richer, too.

So all in all, I am a little overwhelmed, but very excited for both our present and our future. Some mornings when Ainsley has crept into our bed at dawn and I'm awake (of course!) and holding Tucker on my chest and we're all just nestled in as a family of four, I just can't believe how blessed we are.

day before

Last morning as fam of three - how are we going to fit 4 in this bed?!

So tomorrow is C-day. It's super weird knowing that we're scheduled to have a baby. I just keep staring at my belly thinking "poor kid, in XX hours you just have no idea". Imagine that shock - one day you're in this perfectly padded, temperature-controlled, dark, quiet baby hot tub, just living the life, and then you're yanked out and everything's bright and cold and loud and itchy (I would imagine clothing, in general, is rather unpleasant. I think that's why kids love to be naked. ALL THE TIME). I guess if you go through the process of birth, maybe there's some kind of trigger that prepares the kid on some primal level. Like shit just gets too squished, and you're relieved to get out. I don't know. But anyway.

So clearly I'm a little loony today. We're trying to wrap up some projects. I watered my flowers really well and trimmed some stuff in the yard. Mike washed and vacuumed the car (after cleaning like a mad man yesterday - he's a keeper). But we're sort of just wandering around weirded out. I had these dreams all night, like the kind you have right before prom or your wedding. Like you're trying to get everything ready and nothing is working. Except it was all in the surgery prep area at the hospital (except it really looked like the locker room next to a pool). They just kept getting me ready--at one point making me drink/eat Ensure poured on corn on the cob, as would be necessary before surgery-- but I could never quite get to the operating room. Unsettling.

I suppose it's just time. I am very, very excited to see what this little peanut is like, who he looks like, how he's different from his sister. I want to see how Ainsley reacts. I truly believe she will be very sweet and protective. I want to see if he looks like his daddy. I am nervous, of course, but I can't wait.