38 weeks, 1 day (but actually only 6 days to go!!)

So I have a c-section scheduled for the 16th, a mere six (SIX!) days away. I am trying my very best to be patient, enjoy my last days as a mother of one and relish in this pregnancy, as it may be my last. But JESUS MARTHA! I am finding myself teetering back and forth between some kind of zen-like confidence because I've done this before, and sheer terror at the thought of a newborn. I am so excited to create this new version of our family, but I'm so scared and sad at leaving the old one behind. It just feels so final. I've always had this skewed, screwy version of a timeline in my head, where it's difficult for me to see beyond the endings of things. Like a school year, or a week-long vacation. I just get so worked up and prepare so much, that I can't even see beyond the event. So it's weird that bringing a baby home will be WAY more of a beginning than an ending.

And yet ... I can't help but think that going from one to two will be easier in a lot of ways. I mean, not those first couple months where everything is haywire and there's no schedule and no efficiency. That is destined to be total hormone-infused chaos. But the fact that we've gone through it once, and I can hang my hat on there being a light at the end of the tunnel, that is priceless. After all, I like being Ainsley's mom so much that I'm terrified about it changing. And I certainly didn't feel like that the first few weeks after bringing her home. There's also this thing where you're already used to chaos. Even though Ains is three-and-a-half and getting to be so much easier in so many ways, it's still unpredictable and you still have a zillion things to do. And just when you think you get a phase figured out, there's a brand new scary one. Like recently with Ainsley, it's social interaction. I always felt like I was so awkward when I was young, like from a very young age. I just was so AWARE of everything going on and worried about what my playmates were feeling and trying to fit in, that I couldn't relax and just play. I mean, I remember feeling this way almost from when I can first remember. And I watch her play and I see her ticker going and I just want to take her by the shoulders and say QUIT WORRYING AND JUST PLAY!! And these kinds of things aren't like a hungry baby or a leaky diaper. These are life-long, personality-shaping interactions, and you question to your marrow if you're doing everything right by her, or if this is laying the foundation for a lifetime of screwiness. And it's scary as shit.

So you have these new, scary, older kid things, but you can't let all that just pile on and eat up your insides. So you learn to laugh it off. You look at your husband and one of you makes a joke about how maybe the other kids aren't smart enough for self-awareness or something, and you COPE. And we know how to do that now. This all doesn't feel as serious as the first time. The house isn't as clean. You don't have all the details ironed out. But you do know it's probably not the end of the world when the three year old still can't poop in the potty. Or when the newborn has funny-colored poop. Because it's your family chaos, and unlike any other family's, and your first child teaches you to embrace it. Hopefully the second will just jump on this crazy train with us. I hope he enjoys the ride.