a holiday retrospective

Phew. I think we made it. A little poorer, a few more pounds, but we're all intact. The first holiday with a little one was simultaneously wonderful and exhausting. We hosted a Christmas Eve Pasta & Presents party for my family, so that was a big part of the exhausting part. I have the utmost respect for all the holidays my parents have hosted over the years. We just hit the ground running at 6am and didn't stop until midnight. But it was a good time. I think it was a breath of fresh air for my whole extended family to have something new about Christmas. I mean, it's really a holiday for kids, so it was nice to have one around again. Pretty soon Ains will understand about Santa and all that, so it'll be even more fun. The last couple years have just been a lot of, you know, drinking and eating and fighting about politics. So a little glimmer of wonderment was refreshing. Also, a red Christmas tutu. How can you argue the merits and lunacy of Sarah Palin when there's a baby in a red Christmas tutu in the room?!

The holidays did get me thinking about some things I've been trying to ignore for the last nine months (maybe 10 years)? Like religion. I mean, growing up we weren't the most religious family, but we were definitely holiday Catholics at least, and had phases of being a lot more regular. We all went through CCD and First Communion and Confirmation, as did Mike and his sister in the Lutheran Church. And there was something special about Christmas because of that - the story, the advent candles, midnight mass. Just the smell of church at Christmas, incense and grandma perfume and candle smoke. That night, of all the nights, you could FEEL faith ... and family.

But I just can't see us being a really regular part of a church. So how do you convey Christmas as anything except present-palooza if God isn't part of it? How do you justify celebrating something based on nothing but consumerism? I mean, I know lots of people do, or they just base it on family togetherness, but I have a hard time reconciling it in my head to the point where I can feel great about it. But I suppose all the baby Jesus stuff is just an excuse for a lot of people anyway. So I'm not sure what we'll do. I know Mike wouldn't mind if Ainsley grew up with a little church in her life - at least for the moral grounding and fostering tradition and community support aspects. I don't necessarily disagree with him, but it just feels a little off to me. Like, what if she questions it too? I don't want my answer to be "because that's just what people do." Which is hypocritical. Which is kind of my beef with organized religion in the first place.

But maybe it's ok ... to afford her an education in Christianity so she can make an informed decision about her own faith someday. Like, so she's not so starving for faith that she runs off and joins a cult or ends up not believing in ANYTHING. I don't know. I have this idea of doing some kind of blessing/baptism this summer, something outside by the creek, something for family. It's partially to appease all the grandparents, of course, but also so she knows we definitely believe in something, that we're not alone. I mean, we aren't godless heathens. We do have faith, but we (I) just don't think it has to fit into a business model built on stale, out-of-touch rules that foster more judgement from peers than God. Maybe I can just ignore it until next Christmas?? Maybe not.