fear

I hope that writing about this will be therapeutic. It's worth a shot.

So it's probably no secret based on my previous posts, but I am sort of an anxiety-driven person. When I am "handling" it, I can sort of ratchet it down to a livable level. The older I get, the more I can reign it in. I have developed some cognitive and physical ways of tempering it as well. In some ways it has been responsible for many of the good things in my life. It rarely lets me drop the ball. It has helped me be someone that can be counted on, both professional and personally. But during life changing events, happy or sad, it can grow and be a bit debilitating. Having a baby falls into that category, for sure. I am surprised, I guess, because I expected it to be better this time around. We knew what to expect, so I thought it would be easy. Well, it hasn't been. But it's getting better. This is about the same time it got better when we had Ainsley, as well. Around three to four months postpartum I start to get my wits about me. I think it has a lot to do with getting more sleep, getting the baby on a schedule and getting some organization and systems in place. So there are very good days, and some so-so days, mixed in with way fewer rough ones.

So that's good.

But there's this whole other dark side to my anxiety that I'm having troubles kicking lately. I think it has to do with nursing, indirectly. I spend a lot of time on my iPhone when I nurse. And I'm somewhat of a news junky. And the news lately has just felt, well, bad. There was the abduction and murder of Jessica Ridgeway in Colorado. And the nanny murder in New York. And countless others, both recent and long since passed, that get dredged up to fill the news cycle. And I just get wound up and sick about it all.

And I am not delusional. It's not that I think there is a rampant epidemic of random violence or child abductions. I think we just hear about it all more. But it is just so terrifying.

I think Ainsley's age is part of it, too. She is getting more and more independent, and we will increasingly have to entrust other adults with her safety. I do trust her daycare completely, I really do. And she's never with anyone else besides her parents or grandparents (maybe an auntie occasionally, but they don't live close), and I trust these people implicitly. But it won't be long before she starts grade school, and then we move into the territory of sleepovers and coaches and bus rides. And I know I can be diligent, but I can't keep her in a bubble. And then there's Tuck - just three months old. I am even uneasy leaving him at daycare, and it's not that I don't trust our facility. It's just that he's so helpless. And there's nothing I can do that will 100% protect either of these kids from the evils of the world. And that's just impossible to process at the moment. So the result is anxiety. Stay-awake-at-night anxiety. So the day-to-day stuff feels better, and calmer, but the intangible is still sort of a mess.

So I suppose I will take it a day at a time. That's all you can really do. I need to realize I can only control my actions, but I cannot control the outside world, as scare as that is. I need to take solace in the fact that there is overwhelming probability that we'll all be just fine. And I need to get the hell off my phone.

3 months, 1 day

Yesterday was Tucker's three month birthday, if there is such a thing. Me-oh-my these months have flown by. I had no idea how little free time you had with two kids, although it is getting a little better now that nursing is calming down a bit (like every three hours, instead of every 90 minutes). Plus Tuck is getting to the point where he can just sit and watch what's going on around him, instead of needing to be held every minute. And he loves it. I think he's our little hoot owl--just taking it all in with those big blues (Yes, blue!).

I also just starting him to daycare two days a week so I can get things going for tax season. It was nice bonding time bringing him to the office with me, but no so productive. So it's crazy fitting it into two days a week, but it's nice feeling like I'm not doing both things--hanging with baby and working--halfway. That was more of a source of stress than I realized, I think.

Other than the crazy amount of chores that come with my two rascals, life is really good. We are settling into kind of a routine on days home. I am doing my best to keep up with Ainsley and plan activities now that the weather is turning colder. She is a ball of energy, that one. And so sassy! It's like her creativity and compassion and curiosity are huge, and her sass has kept pace. I suppose it's a way of feeling out her independence (of which there appears to be no shortage). But she is just such a cool kid. And she loves her brother. We moved his carseat into the middle of the backseat so my mother-in-law could fit in our car, and Ainsley just tickles and talks to him the whole time we go anywhere. And wipes his drool (of which there appears to be no shortage).

And Tucker. He's just a sweetie pie, and so mellow. He's started sleeping from about 11:00 to 6:00 most nights, sometimes longer. And I lean over to get him out of bed and it's just never ending smiles. Sometimes I'm afraid he's not eating enough because I'm not sure he'd even complain about it (Mike thinks I'm crazy to think that, as both the chub on this kid, and the mustard poops, are abundant).

The whole family-of-four thing overall - it really is a great feeling. I mean, I have my spaz attack moments. The twenty minutes before we have to leave the house for anything are never my finest. But really I feel so blessed. It's funny - I take so long to adjust to these things. I obviously loved Tucker when he was born, and would have gone feral on any threat in the blink of an eye, but I can't say I was enjoying every moment. Mostly I was just trying to get through the days. I remember being like that with Ainsley, too. It just takes me awhile to settle in. I need to start getting a little bit of sleep. I need a little bit of a routine. I need to get to know this little person so I'm not always guessing at what the problem is. But after those chips fall into place, the daily joys start coming fast, and eventually most of the initial anxiety falls away.

One Week and Three Days

So our little Tuck Tuck is here. He is just the sweetest thing, mostly just a sleeper and an eater, which I suppose is true of all newborns. Of course we are in a bit of upheaval just because this baby stuff takes some getting (re-)used to, but I feel like it's somewhat easier than it was with Ains, which I suppose is true of all second babies. The sleep deprivation (OH MY GOD, THE SLEEP DEPRIVATION!!) is probably the worst part -- by like 6pm I'm just done for, which usually ends up with some bawling and clutching at my firstborn, apologizing for ruining her life. But then I get it out, and it's good. The nursing is something else, of course. He had problems latching in the hospital so the lactation consultant gave me a nipple shield to use, and then told me I have to pump every time he eats as well. We also had to supplement with this little tubey device thingy the first couple days because he was heading toward losing too much weight. So that's all been a struggle. I've tried to wean him off the shield, but he must love the thing, so we haven't had any luck yet. Between nursing and pumping I feel like a milk cow, but I've already filled a whole shelf in the freezer with extra milk, so I guess mama gets a night out in a couple of months. I did back down the pumping to four times a day, because I did a lot of research that many women who use the shields never had supply problems, even without pumping at all, so I think four is a number that will keep me sane, especially next week when Mike goes back to work and I have some days alone with both kiddos. Tucker was gaining weight at his first appointment and poops and pees a ton, so I don't think supply is an issue right now (also, we're going to have to buy a deep freeze soon if I don't simmer down). I guess if weight is an issue at his first appointment then I can always increase pumping again, but for now, this is the plan. Anyway, sorry for all the breastfeeding talk, but that is literally almost all I've been doing and thinking about. I had such a hard time with it with Ainsley that I ended up quitting after about six weeks. This time definitely isn't easier, except that I'm just determined to see it through. I'm not sure if I'll make it a whole year, but I figure if I can do it the five months before tax season starts, it'll probably be old hat by then, and easy to just ride it out.

Other than that, it hasn't been too bad of a ride. The hardest parts have probably dealt with Ainsley. I mean, I know it's hormones, and obviously everything will be fine in the long run, but at times it's been heartbreaking. The first night home Ainsley just kept coming into our room when Tucker was crying and tried to stay up and sit with me to "help", rubbing my back and trying to sleep and her little face just kept crumpling into tears because she was tired and bewildered. So I'm bawling and she's exhausted, and finally Mike just went and slept with her in her room and she was just sort of moaning "mama, mama". It was terrible. And just the feeling that I am so scared of her hurting the baby (accidentally, of course) but I'm just chirping at her all day to be careful, and don't climb near him, and be gentle. I just feel awful, and she doesn't understand why we trusted her so much before (I mean, relatively), and now we don't. And we just had such a tight little bond before, that it makes me sad that it's different now because the baby needs so much attention. But Mike keeps reminding me that this is just temporary. When I'm not having to feed and pump 800 times and day, and I'm not recovering from surgery, we can do our fun things again. And we'll have another person in our family, which I think will just make everything richer, too.

So all in all, I am a little overwhelmed, but very excited for both our present and our future. Some mornings when Ainsley has crept into our bed at dawn and I'm awake (of course!) and holding Tucker on my chest and we're all just nestled in as a family of four, I just can't believe how blessed we are.

day before

Last morning as fam of three - how are we going to fit 4 in this bed?!

So tomorrow is C-day. It's super weird knowing that we're scheduled to have a baby. I just keep staring at my belly thinking "poor kid, in XX hours you just have no idea". Imagine that shock - one day you're in this perfectly padded, temperature-controlled, dark, quiet baby hot tub, just living the life, and then you're yanked out and everything's bright and cold and loud and itchy (I would imagine clothing, in general, is rather unpleasant. I think that's why kids love to be naked. ALL THE TIME). I guess if you go through the process of birth, maybe there's some kind of trigger that prepares the kid on some primal level. Like shit just gets too squished, and you're relieved to get out. I don't know. But anyway.

So clearly I'm a little loony today. We're trying to wrap up some projects. I watered my flowers really well and trimmed some stuff in the yard. Mike washed and vacuumed the car (after cleaning like a mad man yesterday - he's a keeper). But we're sort of just wandering around weirded out. I had these dreams all night, like the kind you have right before prom or your wedding. Like you're trying to get everything ready and nothing is working. Except it was all in the surgery prep area at the hospital (except it really looked like the locker room next to a pool). They just kept getting me ready--at one point making me drink/eat Ensure poured on corn on the cob, as would be necessary before surgery-- but I could never quite get to the operating room. Unsettling.

I suppose it's just time. I am very, very excited to see what this little peanut is like, who he looks like, how he's different from his sister. I want to see how Ainsley reacts. I truly believe she will be very sweet and protective. I want to see if he looks like his daddy. I am nervous, of course, but I can't wait.

38 weeks, 1 day (but actually only 6 days to go!!)

So I have a c-section scheduled for the 16th, a mere six (SIX!) days away. I am trying my very best to be patient, enjoy my last days as a mother of one and relish in this pregnancy, as it may be my last. But JESUS MARTHA! I am finding myself teetering back and forth between some kind of zen-like confidence because I've done this before, and sheer terror at the thought of a newborn. I am so excited to create this new version of our family, but I'm so scared and sad at leaving the old one behind. It just feels so final. I've always had this skewed, screwy version of a timeline in my head, where it's difficult for me to see beyond the endings of things. Like a school year, or a week-long vacation. I just get so worked up and prepare so much, that I can't even see beyond the event. So it's weird that bringing a baby home will be WAY more of a beginning than an ending.

And yet ... I can't help but think that going from one to two will be easier in a lot of ways. I mean, not those first couple months where everything is haywire and there's no schedule and no efficiency. That is destined to be total hormone-infused chaos. But the fact that we've gone through it once, and I can hang my hat on there being a light at the end of the tunnel, that is priceless. After all, I like being Ainsley's mom so much that I'm terrified about it changing. And I certainly didn't feel like that the first few weeks after bringing her home. There's also this thing where you're already used to chaos. Even though Ains is three-and-a-half and getting to be so much easier in so many ways, it's still unpredictable and you still have a zillion things to do. And just when you think you get a phase figured out, there's a brand new scary one. Like recently with Ainsley, it's social interaction. I always felt like I was so awkward when I was young, like from a very young age. I just was so AWARE of everything going on and worried about what my playmates were feeling and trying to fit in, that I couldn't relax and just play. I mean, I remember feeling this way almost from when I can first remember. And I watch her play and I see her ticker going and I just want to take her by the shoulders and say QUIT WORRYING AND JUST PLAY!! And these kinds of things aren't like a hungry baby or a leaky diaper. These are life-long, personality-shaping interactions, and you question to your marrow if you're doing everything right by her, or if this is laying the foundation for a lifetime of screwiness. And it's scary as shit.

So you have these new, scary, older kid things, but you can't let all that just pile on and eat up your insides. So you learn to laugh it off. You look at your husband and one of you makes a joke about how maybe the other kids aren't smart enough for self-awareness or something, and you COPE. And we know how to do that now. This all doesn't feel as serious as the first time. The house isn't as clean. You don't have all the details ironed out. But you do know it's probably not the end of the world when the three year old still can't poop in the potty. Or when the newborn has funny-colored poop. Because it's your family chaos, and unlike any other family's, and your first child teaches you to embrace it. Hopefully the second will just jump on this crazy train with us. I hope he enjoys the ride.

34 weeks and a day

Oh pregnancy - why do you seem to take so long? On one hand I've been procrastinating a bunch of things having to do with the baby, so it's probably good. But MAN, am I even impatient. Patience has never been my strong suit. I think I have enough intensity to process things pretty fast, but then I'm like, 'wait, I'm (mentally) ready for this, and I'm only 20 weeks pregnant! Let's just do it already!!' Maybe it's because I'm not brave. So the only way I've ever been able to do anything new is just prepare the best I can, as fast as possible, and then jump in. Otherwise the doubt creeps in. And so I've got this whole nine months of creeping doubt. Not big doubt, just mild episodes of panic. I know it'll be fine. It'll be like with Ainsley, it's be a month or two of really tough adjustment until I figure out patterns and schedules, and then I'll feel (mostly) in control and it will start to be more fun. That's just how I roll with life changes. 

In the meantime, we've had a pretty bustling couple of weeks. Mike's been on two work trips. Ainsley and I went to a wedding out of town this weekend (my parents came as a babysitter/wedding date). It was at this campground/lodge/resort place with pools and a splash pad so Ainsley had a blast of course. The wedding was beautiful. I was a wee too pregnant to be all that fun, which is too bad because there were a few people there I used to work with - it would have been fun to let loose. But nothing you can do about that.

And then Mike's sister and mom are coming tomorrow for a couple days, with our nieces Ava and Hannah. The three girls are very close in age, so it's really special when we can all get together. We are to the point where we can't even Skype with them because Ainsley gets SO excited and just runs around all crazy and grabs all her toys to show them. It's pretty cute. Then this Saturday is my baby shower, so that will be fun too. 

So there are lots of things to take up the next few weeks. I am just taking it a week at a time, and trying to enjoy my last little bit as a mother of one fantastic kid. If this next one is one iota as cool and weird as Ainsley, then we are the luckiest people in the world. 

parenting is ...

... choosing your battles at the grocery store.